Get Shanked: Strategic Room Placement for Maximum Smangability
As a second semester senior at Kenyon College, I’ve had many different experiences. Some of these experiences have been brilliant and others have been so terrifying that the thought of reliving them brings me weeping to my knees. Nearly all of these experiences, however, have been related to sex.
Most colleges are veritable breeding grounds, rife with sexual encounters and wildly naked escapades. Kenyon College is no exception. With its rolling hills, beautiful landscape, close quarters and lack of late-night stimulation, this fine institution often offers few other options than to hook up. A lot. Therefore, I’ve taken it upon myself to share some of my best bits of advice to help you readers get it on. This week, we’ll be focusing on the strategic placement of dorm room furniture.
Personally conducted studies have shown that making a room both live-able and smang-able is nearly impossible. Lofting a bed may make for a great space, but have you ever tried convincing a potential hook up to climb five feet up a ladder before bumping uglies? It’s nigh on impossible, trust me. The solution? Strategically placed couches and clear surfaces. When the clock strikes sex and all parties involved are getting excited, nobody wants to shift the action elsewhere. That’s why I advise heading out to your local Mount Vernon furniture rental store. These places will often sell off some of their wares at the beginning of each school year; you can even barter down the price to something more responsible. Whatever you do, though, do not buy those cheap futons from Walmart. Nothing says “cheap date” like trying to get to third base on a couch with a price tag in the double digits. Plus, those things creak like crazy. Unless you’re trying to impress your neighbors, I’d stay away.
Don’t be afraid to be creative when on your quest to establish the most bone-able room. Beds a little too high for some funky times? Have a couch waiting at the bottom so that your legs don’t awkwardly stick out when going downtown (this patented move, otherwise known as the CC, or “cunnilingus couch,” has been considered an utter success).
Reached the top of your lofted sex den only to find you left the condoms on the ground? Come up with easy ways of having condoms nearby, like hiding them in your pillowcase or purchasing a detachable shelf for the side of your bed. While many of these issues may seem mundane, they can often be the difference between a most excellent night of debauchery or a passion-killing, moment-ruining failure.
As this column signifies the beginning of a beautiful relationship between you, the reading public, and myself, feel free to ask any questions you may have via the comment section. I’ll try to address your questions/issues/feedback in each week’s post.