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10 o’clock list: Objectively Bad Things People Always Request that AVI Serve in Peirce

May 7, 2014

Tonight I was supposed to write a list about the things I would miss most at Kenyon after I graduate. That list was going to include items like: the damp but lovely New Apts smell, the way Middle Path stones creep their way into shoes, both closed and open toed, the Kenyon college gut–that layer of emotional and bodily insulation acquired by eating and living in dreamy, wholesome Ohio, the sand on the road as you cross the Kokosing and walk toward the BFEC, my palatial NCA, etc. But I’m not writing that list (surprise, Emma!). Yes, those things are nice and yes, I will miss them come May 17th, but this is my last ever 10 o’clock list and I have something important to get off of my chest. Whenever AVI asks for meal suggestions, a core group of you consistently request menu items that are objectively bad. In a last ditch effort to improve life at Kenyon after I graduate, here is a list of the worst ones. Constructive criticism comes gratis.

  1. Cincinnati Chili- A disgrace to all other chili,  Cincinnati chili is served over spaghetti and flavored with sugar. This renders it impossible to eat with sour cream and/or hot sauce. Can’t you Cinci chili lovers add sugar to the regular chili and leave the rest of us to eat in peace?
  2. Blintzes- Blintzes are not a meal. Blintzes are a dessert. Blintzes should never get to replace the meal at the Action station. I like blintzes, you like blintzes, but I think we both like panko fried rice better. Just start coming to breakfast more often–you can have all the pancakes and dairy you want.
  3. Vegetables Without Oil or Butter- That is what the salad bar is for.
  4. Buffalo Cheddar Grits- I am going to write something that may ruin buffalo cheddar grits for the rest of you: one sorry, hungover morning, I came to the realization that buffalo cheddar grits taste exactly like vomit. The combination of the acidic hot sauce and lumpy grits is identical to the flavor/texture of Papa Johns/alcohol related throw-up. Sorry! Maybe request plain grits from here on out.
  5. Egg, Bean, and Kale Soup- This one tastes alright, but the sight of a whole, naked, glistening, globulos, boiled egg in the middle of a bowl of clear broth is hard to recover from. It looks like anemic afterbirth. This problem has no easy or fair solutions, but maybe slicing the egg would alleviate the issue?

Anyway, I won’t be eating with many of you for much longer, but I hope you take these points under consideration. And one more thing, on the same level-of-seriousness note:  Thrill readers and editors, past and present, I’ll miss you. A lot.

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. May 7, 2014 10:09 pm

    WHY I OUGHTA … !!!

  2. Willis permalink
    May 7, 2014 10:24 pm

    stop abusing this language. objectively does not mean subjectively, it means objectively, just as literally does not mean figuratively, but literally.

    • Anonymous permalink
      May 7, 2014 11:41 pm

      God forbid someone use words in alternate ways in order to achieve emphasis, humor, or drama in their writing.

    • yourtokendicco permalink
      May 7, 2014 11:53 pm

      Actually “objectively” roughly means “unbiased” and “based on facts”, therefore any attempt at achieving objectivity within those boundaries can suffice. Opinions are bound to have hints of subjectivity and if we used the term “objectively” true to its “literal” meaning it would never really be used, since everything is subjective up to a certain extent (even this comment!). But I digress, let the philosophy majors argue.

      As as far as “literally” is concerned, Webster, Macmillan Dictionary and Google have amended its meaning to encompass figuratively, as well. Ahh the never-ending fluidity of words, meanings and languages; it has been happening since the dawn of time! Kinda like you are using the word “abuse” figuratively (or “literally”, mind you), since its metaphorical meaning has become increasingly predominant (instead “misuse” has a lighter connotation and would have been more accurate & appropriate).

    • Anonymous permalink
      May 8, 2014 1:11 pm

      wow i didnt think admissions accepted prescriptivists. you’re stupid.

    • Anonymous permalink
      May 8, 2014 1:25 pm

      go back to youtube troll

  3. May 7, 2014 11:25 pm

    There is no sugar in Cincinnati-style chili. There is cinnamon and there is cocoa but there is no sugar, and you absolutely can (and should) eat it with hot sauce. Also, Willis is correct: “objectively” and “subjectively” mean completely different things, and you seem to not understand which things those are.

  4. Anonymous permalink
    May 8, 2014 10:37 am

    THANK FUCKING YOU

  5. Andy Bazany permalink
    May 8, 2014 1:26 pm

    All Peirce food is objectively bad. This list is woefully incomplete

  6. Anonymous permalink
    May 8, 2014 4:10 pm

    I laughed at this. Very poignant too though; wow.

  7. Kenyan permalink
    May 8, 2014 4:47 pm

    Non-Peirce CincinnatiChilli is delicious though! & can totally be eaten with sour cream and hot sauce..mmm

    • Gandalf permalink
      May 8, 2014 4:49 pm

      Yeah, it’s pretty wizard if I do say so myself

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