10 o’clock list: Objectively Bad Things People Always Request that AVI Serve in Peirce
Tonight I was supposed to write a list about the things I would miss most at Kenyon after I graduate. That list was going to include items like: the damp but lovely New Apts smell, the way Middle Path stones creep their way into shoes, both closed and open toed, the Kenyon college gut–that layer of emotional and bodily insulation acquired by eating and living in dreamy, wholesome Ohio, the sand on the road as you cross the Kokosing and walk toward the BFEC, my palatial NCA, etc. But I’m not writing that list (surprise, Emma!). Yes, those things are nice and yes, I will miss them come May 17th, but this is my last ever 10 o’clock list and I have something important to get off of my chest. Whenever AVI asks for meal suggestions, a core group of you consistently request menu items that are objectively bad. In a last ditch effort to improve life at Kenyon after I graduate, here is a list of the worst ones. Constructive criticism comes gratis.
- Cincinnati Chili- A disgrace to all other chili, Cincinnati chili is served over spaghetti and flavored with sugar. This renders it impossible to eat with sour cream and/or hot sauce. Can’t you Cinci chili lovers add sugar to the regular chili and leave the rest of us to eat in peace?
- Blintzes- Blintzes are not a meal. Blintzes are a dessert. Blintzes should never get to replace the meal at the Action station. I like blintzes, you like blintzes, but I think we both like panko fried rice better. Just start coming to breakfast more often–you can have all the pancakes and dairy you want.
- Vegetables Without Oil or Butter- That is what the salad bar is for.
- Buffalo Cheddar Grits- I am going to write something that may ruin buffalo cheddar grits for the rest of you: one sorry, hungover morning, I came to the realization that buffalo cheddar grits taste exactly like vomit. The combination of the acidic hot sauce and lumpy grits is identical to the flavor/texture of Papa Johns/alcohol related throw-up. Sorry! Maybe request plain grits from here on out.
- Egg, Bean, and Kale Soup- This one tastes alright, but the sight of a whole, naked, glistening, globulos, boiled egg in the middle of a bowl of clear broth is hard to recover from. It looks like anemic afterbirth. This problem has no easy or fair solutions, but maybe slicing the egg would alleviate the issue?
Anyway, I won’t be eating with many of you for much longer, but I hope you take these points under consideration. And one more thing, on the same level-of-seriousness note: Thrill readers and editors, past and present, I’ll miss you. A lot.