So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye. Yes, dear Kenyon, my time as your resident sex columnist is coming (no pun intended) to an end. What you’re reading right now is my last regular post. This sad but timely departure is occurring partly because someone wants to take over for me (!!!) and partly because I’m boring now and mostly only make out with one person (holler, Slampiece).

While Slampiece turned me from a wild child into a committed wild child, our relationship has spawned some positive events. For example, she inspired the opening line of this piece! Because I was a such a good girl all of first semester, Slampiece penned me a jokey Maria/Liesel Sound of Music femme slash fanfiction for my Hanukkah present. It’s saved in a shareable Google doc, if you’re interested. My mother’s review: “Slampiece writes very good smut.” The critics are raving!

Practical advice on and stories about navigating the boundaries of a committed, monogamous relationship after the jump.

Slampiece knew the details of my personal life even before it was written all over the Internet. Meaning, she totally knew what she was getting herself into when she started dating me.  Meaning, she really wasn’t surprised when I wanted to talk to her about her “kissing friends at parties” policy. After a careful discussion, we decided infamous games of Unity House Jenga/spin the bottle (you have to be there) were totally fine. After our first UHaus party experience, I concluded that smooching others in front of her was a little weird, but still fun. Before New Year’s Eve we talked again about kissing friends in party situations. After another careful discussion, we decided that New Year’s kisses all around were fair game as long as our lips only landed on those who had never been one of our semi-serious paramours.

We have fairly strict rules about how many nights a week it’s academically responsible to share a bed. If we have 9:40 classes, then it’s fine. If one of us has important studying to do in the morning prior to our 9:40 class, then it’s not fine. Getting at least one own-bed-sleep-alone weekend-night sleep is also strangely vital: sleeping until noon while sharing an extra-long twin isn’t the same as sleeping until noon with an extra-long twin to yourself.  Anyway, we both have roommates and y’all already know my feelings about doubles and hooking up.

The key to having a functional committed monogamous relationship  is consistent and good communication. When I do something that makes Slampiece upset (like,  for example, walking into her room, taking out her laptop, and typing on it without speaking to her for 25 minutes), she lets me know and we talk about it and we come up with a solution. This sounds really, really gay, but it’s all about processing, you know?

I end this venture with a very important and pertinent question that I need you to answer in the comments: how long do you need be dating someone before visible hickies become unacceptable?

Love you friends! See you around!

This feature was conceived as a foray into the hearts/minds of Kenyon’s finest artists through the pages of their sketchbooks. Not all artists catalogue their inspiration in such a tightly bound style, however. The following is an account of the thoughts and processes of art major Matthew Davis ’12.

If you were here during the fall semester, you may remember the one day when suddenly the entire length of Middle Path north of the Gates of Hell was bordered by little blue envelopes labeled with students’ names. There were 1782 envelopes total, one for each Kenyon student, each containing a single phrase that offered a brief glimpse into the life of Davis, the artist behind the installation. Catch yet another glimpse into Davis’s life after the jump.

Besides the envelopes (which you can read more about here), Davis’s art comps include a wooden slope marked with nails with flattened tops.  The piece was created to convey the sense of the artist’s body as it engaged with the wood and metal: Davis marvels at the way each individual nail flattened as he struck it with different strokes and varying strength. Davis enjoys art as a product of strenuous activity—each nail took about 25-30 strikes to flatten and the several hammers and anvils he utilized were ruined in the process.

Davis’s most recent artistic venture involved a run from Gambier to Granville while wearing a Holter monitor to count the journey in heartbeats rather than in miles. Davis might be a former cross-country runner, but this was by no means an easy expedition. He feels the prints of each heartbeat going up and down were worth the effort, however. Davis additionally wore the Holter monitor to sleep, allowing him to compare the different states of arousal that the body can endure within a natural state of slumber.

Originally studying philosophy at Kenyon, Davis re-declared as a studio art major this past spring. He found that he was far more captivated by the representation of the human body and its remarkable functions than with John Locke’s theory of morals. For Davis, philosophy is only the study of what has been said in the past, whereas art is a thrilling “live investigation” and a truly personal form of exploration.

Davis is fascinated primarily by the human body not only in its functions but in how it expresses each person differently and reflects the personality of the person in how they portray and display themselves. He describes his interest in the body “in terms of how it moves, how it conveys information, how it tells our stories … it’s a lens into our past.”

Though Davis kindly described the motivations and processes behind his projects to me, he ultimately recognizes that observers will interpret his work through their own experiences.

Photo by Greg Sailor '08

Unless you’re in the vast minority of Kenyon students who actually make it to breakfast on a regular basis (okay, it may not be vast, but it feels that way to me since I am resoundingly not one of them), this post will be useless to you. If you do occasionally rise before noon, however, read on!

Egg & Toast Thing™

The steps to making an Egg & Toast Thing™ are simple, but they will change your whole world on a Sunday morning when you’re exhausted and dehydrated and want a vaguely non-disgusting breakfast to build you up for the day ahead, but are sick of hash brown triangles greasier than an oil slick paired with bland Peirce-generic cereal (“Mallow Oats”? Don’t be coy with us, AVI. We know you mean “jankety Lucky Charms”).

First, select two slices of bread (whole-wheat for the health-conscious, white for the deliciousness-conscious). Next, butter the bread. Then grab two fried eggs from Comfort (make sure they’re extra-runny) and slide each one onto a toast slice. Slap some spinach leaves on there (they’re mostly decorative, but they help to maintain the illusion that you’re having a hearty and nourishing breakfast). Cut the eggs in such a way that the yolk drenches the toast. Messiness is key here — the more like a Jackson Pollock your plate looks, the better your food will taste.

Enjoy multiple times, if necessary — when I discovered the Egg & Toast Thing™ during finals week last semester, I made myself three servings in a row and then proceeded to not shut up for a full hour about how tasty it was and how creative the recipe was until it was gently pointed out to me that it actually isn’t creative at all, it’s eggs on toast. Whatever. It’s good.

Photo by Michael C. Rygel via Wikimedia Commons

More pictures after the jump.

Photo by Stinkie Pinkie via Wikimedia Commons

Photo by Dave Gatley via Wikimedia Commons

This last picture isn’t about mud, per se, but it’s horrifying and related to heavy storms.

Photo by Paulo Raquec

Not enough quarters? How will I wash my flannel now? (via Wikimedia Commons)

Kenyon students love to mock others for being troubled by inconsequential things. (“How dare you claim the tofu stir-fry was undercooked! We eat in a castle!”) With this year’s weirdly civil allstu making catharsis through loud people yelling at other loud people impossible (does anyone else have a Bryn Stole-shaped hole in their life? I do, and it’s not because I was told I look just like him every day for my first three weeks at Kenyon), however, many have turned their passive-aggressive pseudo-anger inward and noticed their own whining. After the jump: five terrible misfortunes that befall Kenyon students daily.

1. It’s so coooold. I don’t wanna get up and go to class. Maybe they won’t notice if I’m not there. Today was just a review day, right?
2. 9:07 a.m. and all of the coffee machines in Peirce are empty. Five minutes until the coffee’s ready, three minutes until Historical Writings on Ancient Mayan Society. The girl in front of me is getting coffee anyway despite the fact that it’s been brewing for 30 seconds and is probably gross. Everything is pain.
3. Every practice room is full. Seriously, since when is 2:00 p.m. on a Monday prime practicing time? I have to wander around awkwardly or do something else in the Storer lobby until someone’s done? Why is my life so hard?
4. Some guy is in my favorite spot in the library. Do I ask him to leave and look awkward, or find somewhere else? Stand nearby and read a suspiciously dusty book until he leaves? Wasn’t there research saying you learn better if you always study in the same place?
5. Like five people are printing on gun1pr1 and I already sent my homework there. God, how long is this going to take? Is this guy printing his debut novel or something?

John Crowe Ransom and E.L. Doctorow are great, but I’d wager that more students have come to Kenyon in recent years because they adore the work of John Green ’00. Green in the author of a number of successful young adult novels, including Looking for Alaska, An Abundance of Katherines (which the office of admissions quotes on marketing materials) and, most recently, The Fault in Our Stars.

Green, along with his brother Hank, is also a pretty accomplished video blogger (vlogger). This brings us to the video embedded above, in which Green discusses Kenyon and the friends he made while he was a student. One of those friends, Ransom Riggs, is also a young adult novelist who just made his debut with Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. The Fault in Our Stars and Miss Peregrine’s took the top two spots in the New York Times children’s chapter books best sellers list that will come out this Sunday.

The video is a sweet ode to friendship and the Hill, and includes a great shot of Green and friends sitting on the porch at Crozier and a nice story about why you should never think that a class will be easy because it is only about one book.

Uphill: Spring Break’s Imminent Arrival — I’ve suddenly realized we are just one glorious weekend away from Spring Break 2012.  I love it when a break just kind of sneaks up on you like that.  And this year it’s extra special, since it’s possibly the last spring break in human history if the Mayans have anything to do with it.  So my rule for this year: no regrets.  And that applies to any and all endeavors you may find yourself involved in.

Downhill: Midterms Shitstorm — Our professors love to hit us with a veritable 8,000-pound gorilla of work just before our March Rumspringa.  There’s nothing we can really do about this except keep reaching for that shiny, inviting, relaxing light at the end of the extremely scary tunnel of work.

via Wikimedia Commons

Correction: An earlier version of this post incorrectly stated that Congressman Gibbs would be speaking in Peirce Pub. He will actually be speaking in Peirce Lounge.

Here in our secluded village, we often see those crazy Washington politicians on the teevee and read about the crazy things they say on the Internets, but we don’t normally get to see them live and up close. Hell, even Rick Santorum didn’t dare get closer than C-Bus (and knowing how most Kenyon students would react to him, that was probably a legitimately intelligent decision on his part—as they say, even a stopped clock is right twice a day).

But tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. in Peirce Lounge, that all changes! Bob Gibbs, who represents Ohio’s 18th District (that’s us!) in the U.S. House, will be stopping by to speak and answer questions. (First question: why couldn’t you come during Common Hour? This poli sci major has class through 11!) After the jump, everything you need to know about Gibbs so you’ll be an informed constituent when he arrives. (Note: If you’re interested in attending, please RSVP to Jami Ingledue at ingleduej@kenyon.edu, due to the limited space in the Lounge.)

• Born in 1954 in Indiana, Gibbs moved to Ohio in the ’60s. He graduated from The Ohio State University’s Agricultural Technical Institute in 1974 and founded Hidden Hollow Farms in Lakeville, Ohio.
• He should not be confused with former Obama administration press secretary Robert Gibbs.
• Gibbs began his political rise when he was elected to the Ohio House of Representatives in 2002.  He was consistently reelected and ran for the Ohio State Senate in 2009. After his election, he served for only half a term due to winning his current seat in November of 2010.
• After a tough Republican primary campaign, Gibbs defeated two-term incumbent (and Kenyon graduate) Zack Space by 14 percentage points during the great GOP congressional sweep of 2010.
• His top priority is to get Ohioans back to work and he believes that “Bureaucrats in Washington are sending the wrong signals to our job creators.” Gibbs is also proudly pro-life and has been endorsed by the National Rifle Association.
• According to The Washington Post, Gibbs votes with his party 96% of the time.
• According to his website and The Washington Post, Gibbs has voted to repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (the healthcare reform bill), to strip Planned Parenthood and National Public Radio of funding, to prevent the EPA from regulating greenhouse gases and to impose a balanced budget amendment. He did vote in favor of the final agreement at the conclusion of last summer’s debt ceiling debate.
• Gibbs’ district office is located in Zanesville at 1166 Military Road, Suite B3. You can follow him on Facebook and Twitter. Here is his official website, as well as his campaign website.