So if you are reading this post, chances are (and I’ll put money on this) you have chosen to go to a small school, away from the heathenism of the big city, and big schools. Well, comrades of the commune we call Kenyon College, I have news for you — you have made an entirely regrettable decision. As a high school student I had the opportunity to live about 500 yards from the campus of the University of Massachusetts Amherst (Zoomass Slamherst for those of you that are
total assholes in the know). Having lived in both Amherst and Gambier, I can now see, in retrospect, that I made a huge mistake.
So, in no particular order (screw hierarchy, that’s not what this country was founded on*) a list of the Top 5 reasons I regret not going to a big school.
1) Riots! – The only thing this campus ever riots about is Trayless Tuesdays/Thursdays; we should at least riot over something cool like sports or America. I mean, come on, how many times do you get to flip over a car or make out while a city is literally burning to the ground around you…can you say romantic? (TO: The Morning Hafter — The most romantic place on campus is not in fact Mather, but wherever the riot is the best.)
2) Gen-Eds – I bet there are students at Kenyon who don’t even know what these are! Basically, imagine if 600+ students were enrolled in your freshman English class and the notes were already posted online with all the lectures. The two best things about Gen-Eds: You only have to show up on test day & there is a 100% chance you can get drunk every day instead because, like I said, the notes are online.
3) Hook-Ups – Remember that biddy you hooked up with at the last Old Kenyon Party? Chances are you will probably see her Monday, and then again every day until you graduate. At a big school this will never happen, ever. The chances that you see an old hook-up, even accidentally, are so slim you have a greater chance of getting a A- in Pamela “C-” Rowes’s class.
4) Sendoff? – Do you like Sendoff? Is it your personal Christmas morning? Well that’s perfect, because every single weekend is Sendoff at Big Schools (double that if you go to school somewhere warm). The beauty of a large school — there’s a party for that. Want to go to a party dressed as a clown from the waist up and an animal from the waist down? There’s a party for that. Want to go to a party where they are listening to heavy metal and drinking appletinis exclusively? There’s a party for that. Want to go to a party where you ritually slaughter a lamb? There’s probably not a party for that … but there might be.
5) Tired of Peirce? – I know how it goes, building a community starts at the stomach (I think Aristotle said that). However, at a Big School you can literally go to a Peirce that just serves Sushi. SUSHI, PEOPLE! You know the international station in Peirce? There is likely a building just for that. Not only that, Big Schools have points — is it really fair that if you go to two meals a day in Peirce (seriously, I have a 10:10, there is NO WAY I am going to get out of bed for Peirce breakfast when I can just eat a hearty lunch at 1) you have to pay just as much as the kid that gets 6 powerades and stops by the omelet station 4 times before it closes? No way. Points system is where it’s at y’all.
So, in conclusion: we have collectively made an enormous mistake … an enormous $200,000 mistake.
Hey, at least we have a one-armed stripper!** (Big Schools have strippers with all their appendages intact — or so I’ve heard.)
*more or less
**she’s actually a myth