Step up your game, Kenyon.
- “Have you had peanut butter today? ‘Cause I have a peanut allergy…” Trust me, I was just as floored as you are right now. And not just because the idea of a life without peanut butter is just tragic.
- “I’m cold. Do you have heat?” First of all, guilty of this one. Second of all, this is bad on so many levels. 1. When your breath reeks of Jack Daniel’s chased with Gilby’s Gin, you’re not cold. 2. This is a guilt hook-up, because if you freeze to death, it’s on me. 3. You’re only going to get about 45 minutes of heat before you have to walk back in the cold — poor planning on your part, my friend.
- “I have pizza in my room.” Stop it. This is just mean. There is nothing worse than the realization that there is no pizza, only drunk expectations. If you use this one, you better deliver. Pizza, that is.
- “Order of the Phoenix or Deathly Hallows?” Good one. So original. Kenyon is like Hogwarts. #lolz. Shut up.
- “I’ve definitely seen you around.” I’ve “definitely seen you around,” too. Try freshman year when you came to pregame in my room, drank all my alcohol, barfed in my T-shirt drawer and cavalierly left the room before anyone had noticed. Then you didn’t speak to me for a year. Yeah, I’ve seen you around.