If this is the professor you have your eye on, you might want to set your sights lower.

When we first applied to Kenyon, we were all told that here, the relationship between students and professors is so beautiful and intimate, you’ll definitely get invited over for dinner. Probably more than once. You and your professor won’t just be colleagues — you’ll be best friends. With that possibly misguided assumption in mind, we all have that professor we’re trying desperately to befriend. You’ve spent so much time together in office hours, poring over your papers! Doesn’t that mean anything to her? Where is that dinner invitation?

Well, The Thrill is here to help. With this installment of our Holiday Gift Guide, you’re guaranteed to be passing potatoes to and sharing a glass of wine with your professor’s significant other in no time.

• A Handmade Blanket for Their Offspring — Showing that you care about the most important parts of your professor’s personal life is the best way to deepen your bond. No need to study for that final: just spend the time crocheting a beautiful blanket for your professor’s adorable offspring, and you’re set.
• Your Annotated Copy of Their Dissertation — What better way to say “I’m obsessed with your amazing academic work” than to track down your professor’s dissertation and take a red pen to it? He’ll appreciate your time and effort for sure.
• Your Tumblr URL — I mean, your Tumblr is the best representation of the truest parts of your soul, right? If you want to show your vulnerable side to your professor, just send off a casual email asking her to become your newest follower. She’ll be enthralled by your Harry Potter .gifs, webcam photography and fruitless reblogs of attention-seeking memes.
• Dead Fred Pen Holder — Professors love office supplies. They also love the poignant symbolism of death.
• A Word Cloud of Every Email Exchange You’ve Had — There’s nothing more personal than a graphic representation of your relationship with the professor of your dreams. Just Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V and you’re set.