It’s almost a month into the New Year (incidentally our last year on Earth) and those New Year’s Resolutions you made in a drunken but exuberant haze of 2012 excitement might have reached their untimely demise. In fact, polls on these resolutions show that there is little chance you will actually keep these until 2013 (which doesn’t really matter because 2013 won’t ever happen, but whatever). Here is a list of common New Year’s resolutions that you’re statistically unlikely to keep. Most of these should look pretty familiar to you:
- Exercise regularly. To get at the bottom of this problem, the KAC is just really far away. It’s a long walk, especially if it’s this cold outside. I know this is ironic because if you’re going to go exercise anyway, the walk is like a warm-up, but it’s a pretty valid excuse to me. If you live super close to the KAC, you’ll need another excuse (I’m too hungover, Wikipedia is down, too much homework, busy on facebook, where are my sneakers, etc).
- No more procrastination! Let’s be honest, this is just unrealistic for some of us. Some people work better under pressure, some people are more efficient under stress, and some people just have different priorities and really fun websites to check instead (my personal favorites are this one, this one, this one and of course, this one. You’re welcome, bored procrastinators). This resolution also doesn’t apply to those of us who are really good at bullshitting.
- Be more patient with others. Look, I’d be a lot better at this one if I wasn’t so stressed from procrastinating and trying to exercise regularly…
- Keep in touch with old friends. That’s what Facebook is for, right? Boom. Done.
- Tell the truth. It keeps your life less complicated because then you don’t have to remember all the lies you’ve told to different people. Lies are hard to keep organized.
- Stay organized. I found someone’s lost K-Card on one of the BFEC trails today … probably something you should keep track of. But to be fair, I also forgot my Spanish folder on the second, third and fourth day of class. No one can really remember where they put everything. It’s called organized chaos.
- Help others achieve my state of perfection. This won’t ever happen, so there’s no point keeping this…
Don’t lose faith if you have kept your resolutions this far! You’re better than the rest of us quitters and don’t give up just because everyone else has … good luck, sucker.
The Thrill is just one more failed attempt at humor at Kenyon.
The Thrill is a failed attempt at humor.