Exactly 85.47 percent of Kenyon students returned from winter break with an iPhone. Holler, Verizon plan! In honor of our bourgeois decadence, I present you with the five most annoying iPhone alarms to wake up to.
1. Marimba – Exotically terrifying.
2. Alarm – The whole point of digital ringtones is avoiding that analogue sound.
3. Digital – Shrill, piercing and heart attack inducing.
4. Strum – The most menacing guitar you will ever hear.
5. Old Car Horn – Um, why?
Of course, anything you set as your alarm will eventually become terrifying/annoying. I used to wake up to “100,000 Fireflies” by the Magnetic Fields (So gentle! So morose!), but after two semesters of jangling chimes before 9:00 a.m., the song was never the same. Now I wake up to “Strum” and have involuntary muscle spasms when it goes off as someone else’s ringtone.