Don’t get me wrong — love is a many-splendored thing, relationships are awesome (the good ones, anyway) and seeing a happy couple walk hand in hand down Middle Path on a blustery weekday morning has the power to melt even my cold heart. Still, that’s no excuse for grotesquely in-your-face displays of public affection. In honor of Valentine’s Day, please take a gander at these suggested sexytimes guidelines … for all our sakes.
1. MiddleGround/The Deli — Ugh. Really, couple passionately making out? Come on. It’s Sunday morning. I think I speak for everybody in this establishment when I say we’re all hungover and sweaty and angry and just want to put some eggs and overpriced coffee in our bodies without having to watch you mate in the next booth. Get it together.
2. Third-Floor Olin — I get it, libraries are sexy, but third-floor Olin is just kind of … depressing. Sure, the rainbow chairs have their charms, I guess, but mainly it’s fluorescent and gray and sad up here, and the ambiance is in no way improved by your flagrant canoodling.
3. Dorm Lounges — Oh, God, I can’t say this enough. A bit of cute couch-based cuddling? Sure, God bless, have at it. What the hell, feel free to make out a little bit. But if your snuggling comes with a soundtrack, please — I beg of you — retreat to somebody’s room.
4. Old Kenyon DFMO — I can’t really fault anyone for succumbing to the hedonistic pleasures of too much warm Keystone and the plaintive throb of Avicii (we’ve all been there, it ain’t pretty), but still, that doesn’t make it any more fun to have to watch that guy in my 9:40 devour the face of that girl in my 1:10 while I try to work my way across the sweaty shitshow of a dance-floor to find my coat.
5. Third-Floor Ascension (During the Day) — I don’t care what you get up to in here after hours, and yes, it is actually pretty romantic, what with all that stained glass and leather furniture, but during the day? I’m trying to nap watch American Horror Story do my homework up in here.
Happy Valentine’s Day, one and all!