Hurrah, Valentine’s Day is over! Now that we’re done bringing you cutesy valentines, The Thrill is pleased to bring you something even better: cold, hard reality. It’s not going to last forever, dear readers, and when it does end, you need to be prepared. Keep in mind that breakups should ideally occur in private (unless you’re afraid to be alone with your soon-to-be ex), but if it does have to happen publicly, please at least have the manners to keep it out of these places.
- The KAC snack bar—Everyone loves the Xtraction Cafe, but nobody loves having sushi flung in their face.
- Peirce—This is just obvious, since it’s basically the most public place on campus. Especially try to avoid early morning breakups: a dinner time breakup is likely to go unnoticed in noisy Thomas, but when everyone is sitting quietly at breakfast we will be able to hear every tragic detail from clear across the room.
- Ninth floor of Caples—Simply because Caples is the tallest building on campus, and if your jilted lover doesn’t take the news well, you don’t want this to end up happening to you.
- Olin—Not, as you might expect, because the screaming and weeping would prove distracting—Olin was clearly designed as nothing but a den of screaming and weeping. Rather, it’s because you should at least have the heart to dump him or her in a less depressing spot: perhaps the sparkling Gund Gallery lobby!* (The heartbroken may want to drown their sorrows in sandwiches.)
- Ransom Hall—Our tour guides work really hard to cover up the murders, and the last thing they need is you scaring away the prospies with your unattractive sobbing. Remember, this is Kenyon, the Happiest Hill on Earth, and when there’s a tour group around you will smile.
*”But that lobby has a gigantic glass wall, so isn’t it really public?” Nope, if it happens behind glass in a gallery, it’s not a breakup, it’s performance art!