So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye. Yes, dear Kenyon, my time as your resident sex columnist is coming (no pun intended) to an end. What you’re reading right now is my last regular post. This sad but timely departure is occurring partly because someone wants to take over for me (!!!) and partly because I’m boring now and mostly only make out with one person (holler, Slampiece).
While Slampiece turned me from a wild child into a committed wild child, our relationship has spawned some positive events. For example, she inspired the opening line of this piece! Because I was a such a good girl all of first semester, Slampiece penned me a jokey Maria/Liesel Sound of Music femme slash fanfiction for my Hanukkah present. It’s saved in a shareable Google doc, if you’re interested. My mother’s review: “Slampiece writes very good smut.” The critics are raving!
Practical advice on and stories about navigating the boundaries of a committed, monogamous relationship after the jump.
Slampiece knew the details of my personal life even before it was written all over the Internet. Meaning, she totally knew what she was getting herself into when she started dating me. Meaning, she really wasn’t surprised when I wanted to talk to her about her “kissing friends at parties” policy. After a careful discussion, we decided infamous games of Unity House Jenga/spin the bottle (you have to be there) were totally fine. After our first UHaus party experience, I concluded that smooching others in front of her was a little weird, but still fun. Before New Year’s Eve we talked again about kissing friends in party situations. After another careful discussion, we decided that New Year’s kisses all around were fair game as long as our lips only landed on those who had never been one of our semi-serious paramours.
We have fairly strict rules about how many nights a week it’s academically responsible to share a bed. If we have 9:40 classes, then it’s fine. If one of us has important studying to do in the morning prior to our 9:40 class, then it’s not fine. Getting at least one own-bed-sleep-alone weekend-night sleep is also strangely vital: sleeping until noon while sharing an extra-long twin isn’t the same as sleeping until noon with an extra-long twin to yourself. Anyway, we both have roommates and y’all already know my feelings about doubles and hooking up.
The key to having a functional committed monogamous relationship is consistent and good communication. When I do something that makes Slampiece upset (like, for example, walking into her room, taking out her laptop, and typing on it without speaking to her for 25 minutes), she lets me know and we talk about it and we come up with a solution. This sounds really, really gay, but it’s all about processing, you know?
I end this venture with a very important and pertinent question that I need you to answer in the comments: how long do you need be dating someone before visible hickies become unacceptable?
Love you friends! See you around!