The ferocious bat wreaking havoc in Chalmers.

When four typically noisy first years stumbled into the third floor Chalmers periodicals section, screaming bloody murder, I chose to ignore them. But then I saw it — a swooping Dracula incarnate! With fangs! Flapping its vicious bat wings all over our copies of Time and Newsweek magazines! VAMPIRE BAT ALERT!

Obviously, the third floor of the library was in an uproar. “I’m calling Campus Safety!” yelled Simon Golovcsenko ’15.

The Thrill‘s own Syndey Jill Watnick ’14 added her voice to the high-volume conversation, stating, “There are 5,000 crows in Coshocton.”  Do crows and KILLER VAMPIRE BATS often rumble, Sydney?

Multiple Kenyon men, in clear demonstration of their sexual prowess, attempted to throw jackets at the rabid, bloodthirsty, highly DANGEROUS VAMPIRE BAT.

Kenyon Sartorialist and McBride CA Charlotte Green ’14 brought some sense to the situation. She calmly explained, “The more noise you make, the more it will fly around. Try not to agitate it. Let it be.” I didn’t know that a lady could maintain consciousness while a SCARY VAMPIRE BAT caterwauled its death shriek all around Olin’s quiet zone.

Safety arrived to assess the MONSTER VAMPIRE BAT situation. They quickly left without taking any action.

Did Dracula cast his vampire spell over Campus Safety? Will Olin ever be safe again? And, most importantly, can we expect a Bram Stoker-style vampire lady threesome to occur before the nerd bell rings? Stay tuned for updates. If I’m still alive…