The Kenyon Hunger Games: Tribute Roundup, Part I

The 2012 Kenyon Hunger Games are fast approaching (this Saturday, April 21 starting at 12:00 p.m., the terrifying brainchild of Christine Prevas ’15 and Zeslie Zaban ’15) and, as ever, The Thrill is here to provide up-to-date coverage of this year’s tributes from all 17 districts, 33 of whom are doomed.

Today we’ll take you through the Gamemakers’ ratings for tributes from Districts 1 through 5 with video commentary from your beloved host Caesar Flickerman (completely unrelated to Thrill columnist Miles Purinton ’12) and their answers to interview questions of our devising. Tune in tomorrow for more tributes, more Caesar and more Hunger Games.

District 1: Rosemary Ouellet ’15 and Matthew Super ’15

Rosemary Ouellet:

What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? I’ve done this before. I’m not going onto that field unprepared. I will not be a victim of these games.

For what or whom are you fighting? My boyfriend was swept up into these games against his will. I’m fighting to keep him alive. Oh, and also for the name and glory of Asgard.

Is the might of Mjolnir with you? VERILY! THE MIGHT OF MJOLNIR IS WITH ME!

Matthew Super:

What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? My greatest strength is my “super” powers.

For what or whom are you fighting? For truth, justice and the American way.

How does it feel to be the only tribute from District 1 in years who doesn’t want to be here? It feels super.

District 2: Kira Henderson ’15 and Benjamin Wachter ’15

Kira Henderson:

What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? My greatest strength is getting lucky enough to not get killed.  I can be quiet, sneaky, and objective.

For what or whom are you fighting? I am fighting for those hidden nerds who are too afraid to let go and just enjoy life.

How do you feel about your fellow tribute? He’ll distract people through talking; it’s better that they’re distracted so I can kill them.

Benjamin Wachter:

What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? Simply put, Hunger Games turn people into animals. Considering the pool of tributes, I will be one of the most likely to become a hunter, a predator. It’s a rare thing to find yourself with a weapon in the Games. I have trained in multiple forms of foam swordsmanship, and it would completely step up my game if I retrieve a blade by day’s, end whether by the gift of a kind sponsor or the … donation of one of my fellow tributes, but I still know how to use my bare hands and wits to deadly effect. Will overconfidence and brashness lead to my demise? Only if I lack the strength to back it up. The weak don’t deserve to win the Hunger Games.

For what or whom are you fighting? I’m glad you asked. It’s important for all the tributes to remember that we are not the hungry here. It’s the hungry youth of Knox County who will be in my mind, reminding me that this is not for any of our benefit. This is a game we’re playing, one that will be broadcasted and immortalized. This could change the way Knox County sees two things I cherish: philanthropy and LARPing. Therefore, I would be remiss if I didn’t put on a show. Every move I make will be risky, every thought dedicated and every kill brutal. For the Games. For the cameras. For the children.

Who do you think is your biggest threat? There’s no one tribute I fear over the others. I know amongst the pool there are certain individuals in swordplay, archery and hand-to-hand fighting. Are there certain tributes who I know are more athletic than I am and have speed and stamina that outpace mine? Absolutely. But I’m going to do my best and only think of winning. If I die to the hand of another, I only hope that the one who outsmarts me, outfights me or even kills me through betrayal or collective effort remembers me as a worthy opponent. Because I will do so for them if at the end of the day the odds are in my favor.

District 3: Johanna Klinman ’15 and James Hutt ’15

Johanna Klinman:

What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? My greatest strength is my epic love for all humankind and my ideals to show what love and sacrifice truly mean to this world, this planet, THIS UNIVERSE.

For what or whom are you fighting? I am fighting for love, freedom and ultimate humanity. And equally importantly, my dog. She means the world to me.

Do you plan on going into or avoiding the Cornucopia? I plan on running right towards the Cornucopia. The science quad is my homeland; I shall squander all its resources to my utmost capabilities.

James Hutt:

What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? Close quarters combat. I am an ex-LARPer.

For what or whom are you fighting? For the thrill of the fight.

Will your past experience with games of a certain type affect your performance today? I’ve been so desensitized to violence by M-rated games that I don’t think anymore about what I am doing when I kill. I just shut the voices off and things die.

District 3.14159: Elizabeth O’Neill ’15 and Ben Kress ’14

Elizabeth O’Neill:

Tribute was unavailable for comment.

Ben Kress:

What would you say is your greatest strength in the games? I’m a climber. Trees, bridges, the roof of Peirce — I will always have the high ground.

For what or whom are you fighting? I’ve got someone back home. I’m not ready to say goodbye.

Will you go the distance? I have often dreamed of a far-off place where a great warm welcome will be waiting for me. Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face. And a voice keeps saying this is where I’m meant to be.

District 4: Perry Minella ’14 and Edward George Hastings Baxter ’15

Perry Minella:

What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games?My greatest strength in the games is my cooking skills. While others starve, I’ll be feasting in the woods.

For what or whom are you fighting? I am fighting to get home to my love, Dylan. Without me, he would die of grief!

What do you want to say to your potential sponsors? SPONSOR ME, PLEASE! I WANT TO LIVE!

Edward George Hastings Baxter:

What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? I would say that my greatest asset in the coming games is my sex appeal.  That, or my wit.  People have died laughing.  Seriously.  That Monty Python skit was based on me.

For what or whom are you fighting? I am fighting for Truth, Justice and the American Way.  I am fighting for my friends.  I am fighting for my family.  Also I’m fighting for a shitload of money. I get money for this, right?

Are you sure you’re human? I’m as human as the Council of Nicea’s decree on the nature of Jesus Christ.  Yeah.  Figure that one out.

District 5: Claire Talty ’15 and Joseph Walsh ’15

Claire Talty:

What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? I possess the strength of intimidation. My face gives off scary looks, I guess. Or maybe that’s just me when I’m holding a Nerf gun.

For what or whom are you fighting? I am fighting for District 5. Look out.

Other tributes have reported that you are the single most badass-looking tribute. Thoughts? Those other tributes would be correct. I also am the single most bad-ass tribute … period.

Joseph Walsh:

What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? Speed and stealth.

For what or whom are you fighting? The chance to eat cookie pie again…

With whom will you form your first alliances? Ben and Claire. Watch out.

3 responses

  1. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. THERE IS NO WAY TO ESCAPE. NO WAY.

    • Yes, a group of people LARPing, and the nerd alert was that they both quoted Superman. Never mind the whole running around outside with Nerf guns and fake swords, reenacting the events from a book part, the nerdy part was the quoting of an incredibly famous and well known statement that majority of the population knows.

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