Well, this is it, Kenyon. The Hunger Games are tomorrow, less than 24 hours away, and time is ticking. Remember, if you’d like to sponsor a tribute, the money will go to a local food bank. Just stop by the steps of Rosse Hall tomorrow anytime after 12:00 p.m. and find the first year in the pink wig (Christine Prevas ’15) to buy your tribute food, water, ammunition, weapons or even extra lives.
With that in mind, I am thrilled (get it?) to announce that The Thrill will, this year, be sponsoring the male tribute from District 13: Kenneth Fedorko ’13, a man of wealth, taste and a ruthless thirst for blood. You may remember him as the evil rapping clown Dollawi$e from Stephen King High School: The Musical!, that suspiciously friendly Community Advisor who sometimes wanders campus or that guy with the Twizzlers in Icarus and Aria. We here at The Thrill truly believe that Kenneth has what it takes to be the victor of the Games: no inhibitions, no shame and no sense of right or wrong.
We are also willing to pour as much money as necessary into ensuring his triumph.
And now, back to Caesar Flickerman with the remaining tributes from Districts 11 through 69.
District 11: Margaux Lenain ’15 and Taylor Ross ’13
What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? Hm … I don’t run fast, I don’t know how to shoot, I am easily tired and I have my periods. … Oh God, why?
For what or whom are you fighting? For District 11!
Do you have much experience surviving in the wild? Nope.
What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? Speed.
For what or whom are you fighting? The poor, starving citizens of District 11.
Will your height be a weakness or a strength? Strength. Height for me equals longer reach and longer strides.
District 12: Lauren Katz ’15 and Nathaniel Katz ’15
What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? I would say my ability to be completely serious 100 percent of the time. Some say there is a need for sarcasm in this world, but I completely disagree. Why not just say what you mean? When I’m in the Games, if I say “Come closer, I’m not going to kill you,” there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t trust me.
For what or whom are you fighting? I believe everyone has someone they believe is worth fighting for. For some it’s a spouse, others a sibling. It’s a song in Mulan for a reason: “A ____ Worth Fighting For.” I too have someone very special I am fighting for. He has always been there for me in both times of trouble and happiness. The one I know I can always turn to if I just need a shoulder to cry on. That’s right, in these games, I will be fighting for my cat. I will see you again, Eli Katz! And yes, I do realize the humor in the fact that my cat’s last name is Katz.
Do you have catlike reflexes? I have to say I am a little insulted by this question. I mean, my last name is Katz. I think it’s sort of implied.
What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? Definitely my athleticism. I’ve been training hard every day for this. My routine begins with a brief run, a mile or two at most. Then onto the sit-ups. Things just get more exciting from there. Also, I feel like my beard is a great asset. Also, sarcasm.
For what or whom are you fighting? Whim. Also, it passes the time.
Do you have a special girl back home, or did she come here with you? I’d love nothing better than to bare my heart on Capitol-, Panem- and Appalachia-wide television, but my girlfriend might be watching, so I’d best not. Also, so much passion. Also also, not particularly.
District 13: Brenda Ramos ’15 and Kenneth Fedorko ’13
What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? My greatest strength is that I’m awesome! Plus, if the Cornucopia turns out to be in the science quad, I’m one of the few people in the Games who is almost always there.
For what or whom are you fighting? I’m fighting for myself. I don’t wanna die! I would fight for my sister Payton, but she’s also in the Games. Although, if one of us were to win, I’d want her to win.
Will your knowledge of the molecular structure of deadly toxins aid you in the Games? My knowledge of the molecular structure of deadly toxins can help me in the Games because I will be able to poison all the people!
What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? I know people. I look like I’m pleasant but I will frickin’ kill anyone to get what I want. And I’m a winner. Bring it.
For what or whom are you fighting? I’m fighting for honor, pride and Miles Purinton. Hopefully The Thrill will sponsor me too, or I’m screwed. (You’re welcome, Kenny!)
Would you rather have a bell go off every time you get aroused or never shower again? Bell go off. I love bells.
District 42: Marcie Schwartz ’13 and Ryan Eick ’13
What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? My short-burst speed as a sprinter, knowledge of swordplay, stealth and manipulative cunning.
For what or whom are you fighting? I fight for glory and a place in the history books. And to survive, yes, that is rather important.
Will you be strategizing based on your knowledge of historical military tactics? Of course. As a history major and as someone with a particular fascination with military history since childhood, I know that not learning from the successes and mistakes of previous generations can knock you out of the game before you even start. Now, while we can learn from the past, we should not merely copy it but adapt it to the situation at hand. Some easily adaptable rules of thumb: Friends don’t let friends invade Russia, never get involved in a land war in Asia, mimic the mobility of Swamp Fox and always nab the high ground when you are a Confederate sniper at Burnside’s Bridge.
What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? I’m a tough bitch. A gnarly, nasty, tough bitch.
For what or whom are you fighting? I’m fighting for … fighting.
Is the luck of the Irish going to aid you? It’s tough to say. The luck of the Irish can be good luck (pots of gold and crap like that), but it can be astoundingly shitty luck as well (potato famines and foreign oppression). I do believe that with or without the luck of my ancestors, I’ll remain a force to be reckoned with.
District 69: Jaime Cohen ’15 and Robert Sellers ’14
What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? My greatest strength is that I’m quiet and easy to overlook.
For what or whom are you fighting? I am fighting to survive.
Please spare me. What does “please spare me” mean?
What would you say is your greatest strength in the Games? At home in District 69, my skill is knitting. I knit all the socks and blankets for my neighborhood. I’m not entirely sure how much of a strength this will be in the Games, but I’m sure I’ll at least be able to fashion myself a blanket to survive the cold.
For what or whom are you fighting? All I want is to be able to make it home well enough to take care of my puppy Charley.
Do you think your dengue will affect your performance? Dengue is something I have learned to live with. Honestly, I can’t imagine my life without it. I plan on finding a good spot to hunker down and hide, so it shouldn’t be too much of a hindrance.