Send-Off Draft

(This Post Was Written Before the Draft)

Tonight as you may know, is the first round of the 2012 NFL Draft. It’s the night where the dreams and nightmares of diehard NFL fans come true. Tonight is the night where the Patriots will most likely continue Bill Belichick’s diabolical plan to store up enough first round picks to control the world. Tonight is the night where the Browns will probably regret for decades to come not making the effort to get RG3.  Tonight is the night where after staring at Mel Kiper’s greased flow for a couple hours, you will once again find yourself wondering what kind of a society we live in where he is paid higher than a teacher, a nurse and a soldier to name a few more worthwhile professions. Sorry to get all Marxist on you.

Tonight is also the eve “The Event Formerly Known As Summer Sendoff” or for the acronymically inclined  (Yes, that is a word. Like any good English major I OED’d that shit) TEFKASS. Really when you think about it, TEFKASS really isn’t all that different from the NFL draft. Although I would suggest you don’t think about it too much. Really though, where players aspiring to join the NFL have been tried and tested for years in college and for days at their combines and workouts, we too have undergone a similar regimen. Except instead of getting jacked, fast and angry through hours on the field and in the weight room, we’ve all(well, not really everyone) gotten drunk, drunker and drunkest in order to really put a quantitative value on our drinking capabilities. We’ve partied hard and partied soft. We’ve loved and we’ve lost and in the next few days all of that will come into play out on the green pastures of the South Quad.

The question arises, if Send Off isn’t all that different than the NFL Draft, what would it look like if they weren’t different at all? What would it look like if there were a TEFKASS Draft, with various social groups presented as squads vying for valuable new additions? I present to you analysis of the top 5 picks in the 2012 Kenyon College TEFKASS Draft.

1. North Campus Holier Than Thou’s: What a surprise, they get the best out of the housing system and somehow get the first pick in the draft. Gotta love that Kenyon Kaste system. Anyhow, with the first overall pick in the 2012 TEFKASS Draft, the North Campus Holier Than Thou’s selected none other than The Kid Who Lives on the First Floor of Old Kenyon.” While many were saying they should have taken “The Kid Who Makes You Look Cooler, or the Kid Who Knows How to Speak Lower Class English Dialect, in their unending grab for property and superiority, the Holier Than Thou’s selected a student with housing that guarantees a prime South Quad spot.

P.S. I am definitely still bitter. So bitter.

2. Freshmen Blackouts: This will be the first official season for the Blackouts after they were recently promoted from the High School Amateur Chilling League (HSACL). TEFKASS Draft analysts were critical of their lack of experience and suggested they pick up Veteran Alum Who Knows What’s Good. Instead of making the wise move and going with Veteran Alum, the Blackouts stayed true to their roots and selected Friend Who Wants You To Black Out Harder Than Them and Tries To Force Feed You Booze. While he has historically started off the TEFKASS season strong, he tends to be pass-out-before noon prone, which makes his endurance a legitimate concern for fans everywhere.

3. Buds: The Buds are a squad that typically takes a very nonchalant approach to the TEFKASS Draft, often waiting until the last second to make their pick and selecting based on mood and THC levels rather than logic. In a wildly surprising move they passed on Homie With Illegal Substances and instead opted to pick Girl With Glow Sticks and Glow Necklaces. Glow Sticks was thought by many to be picked towards the end of the draft but she was apparently capable of catching their attention and interest with a demonstration of her flowing dance moves. Her value as a team member is based largely upon her ability to consistently produce bright and or flashing objects. I have no idea what trajectory her career will take, if she does in fact decide to participate in TEFKASS instead of getting lost in a room with no lights for the next 48 hours.

4. Greek Tank-Tops: The Greeks are all around one of the better squads in TEFKASS. They hold solid geographical advantages as well as superior organization and on the whole a credible alcohol tolerance. Considering this, it was no surprise that they picked up Administrator Who Is In a Reasonable Mood in order to give themselves a solid ally in the War Against Fun that will potentially ensue once people have enjoyed themselves for five or more minutes. The Tanks are expected to make moves later in the draft to ensure that they add CA Who Wants To Be Your Friend And Lets You Off The Hook to their squad and thereby further protect themselves from trouble.

5. Indoor Bland on Bland Band: While they were encouraged to pick up the still available Alum Who Knows What’s Good and finally break free from their dimly lit chambers of introversion and academia, instead the Band picked up Kid Who Likes Anime, Soothing Alt Rock and Naps. It’s looking like a quiet TEFKASS season for the Band but there’s always hope for next year in a TEFKASS draft that will be overflowing with Kids Trying To Go Hard One Last Time Before The Reality of Finals Hits Them Like a Brick Glued To A Textbook. Then again, that’s every year.

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