Our friends over at Arbitrary Rankings Quarterly (also known as Forbes magazine) have decreed that our humble college is just a teensy bit better than the College of William and Mary and just a tiny bit worse than Georgetown University. More importantly, we’re a heckuva lot better than rivals Oberlin College (#75), Skidmore College (#84) and Denison University (#102). Princeton is #1, not that we care. I mean, who’s even counting? Whatever, Princeton. You can keep Paul Krugman, because we have Will Melick.
To be fair, Forbes actually did use some sort of scientific-ish methodology to compile their list, but you have to search to find an explanation of it. The Washington, D.C.-based Center for College Affordability (ooh, do they offer internships?) ranks the colleges like this:
The rankings are based on five general categories: post graduate success (32.5%), which evaluates alumni pay and prominence, student satisfaction (27.5%), which includes professor evaluations and freshman to sophomore year retention rates, debt (17.5%), which penalizes schools for high student debt loads and default rates, four-year graduation rate (11.25%) and competitive awards (11.25%), which rewards schools whose students win prestigious scholarships and fellowships like the Rhodes, the Marshall and the Fulbright or go on to earn a Ph.D.
Wow, that was boring. Let’s spice things up by pretending that America’s Top 40 Colleges are equivalent to its Top 40 Songs. In that case, Kenyon is Justin Bieber’s “As Long As You Love Me,” while Princeton is Maroon 5’s “Payphone.” Williams is Katy Perry, and Carly Rae Jepsen is the University of Chicago. MIT is, of course, Nicki Minaj.