They’re a Kenyon staple, but how much do you really know about the animals onto which you displace the love of your own pets? Behind the treats and belly rubs on Middle Path lies a dungeon of Darwinian hierarchy and savage morals. The Thrill editors, risking their lives and dignity, travel to the parking lot behind Farr Hall to bring you the scoop. (Get it? Like litter box scoop. It’s funny. Ha.)
Now, I know what some of you are thinking. These are the cats who curl up peacefully on benches, who rub up against your legs by the church while you’re doing that awkward I-need-to-go-to-Lentz-and-you-need-to-go-to-Peirce-but-we-haven’t-finished-our-conversation-so-we’ll-just-stand-here-and-keep-talking-while-slowly-inching-farther-apart thing with a friend! How could they possibly be bad? Trust me. I, too, was caught up in their game. As a young freshman I adored these cats; I sought them out any chance I could get (see below), but it was only a few days ago that I discovered their dark side.
When my bodyguard and I arrived at the lair we found it, thankfully, deserted. We knew we didn’t have much time before the leaders of this mafia descended on us, so we had to be quick.
The most noticeable aspect of this hideout (besides the soft whispers of lost souls) is the piles of cat food poured in random haphazard piles throughout the path. After much discussion and research, we can only conclude that, according to an ancient feline ritual, the lesser, domestic cats of Gambier have been delivering food to these rebels in exchange for them not sneaking into their homes and devouring their owners in the night.
But this is perhaps the most disturbing picture of them all. We worked tirelessly for any explanation, but after many fruitless trials and experiments, we resigned ourselves to the fact that cats, in fact, do not have thumbs. Only the truly dexterous could have filled this bowl with water and placed it here. We can come to no other conclusion than the sour truth that somewhere among us, a human Gambier resident is assisting these monsters.
Keep your friends close and your spray bottles closer, and stay tuned for more updates, including leader profiles and prime suspects. This is… the Secret Lives of Gambier Feral Cats.