Listen, we’ve all been there. Even the most cool, calm and collected among us occasionally have our Real Housewives moments– whether that means flipping over a dining-room table, vehemently cursing out your significant other, drunkenly sobbing in an Old Kenyon bathroom or calling a friend from home to recount every exhaustive detail of that special encounter with that special someone. Even if you don’t consider yourself a drama queen/king, read these tips to find out where it is never, ever permissible to lose your shit in spectacular fashion. Because the odds suggest that if you haven’t yet, you will.
1. The Farr Hall bathroom. Farr Hall is poised right between North and South campus, which unfortunately makes it the perfect spot for a group pee-and-discuss about the totally important thing that just happened at New Apts. while you make your way to Hanna. Somehow, people seem to forget that it’s a) super-echoey and b) a bathroom. I learned my lesson about long, overwrought Farr Hall powwows one Saturday night last year, when a furious, full-bladdered senior began banging on the door, shouting “I know you’re in there! I can hear you having a heart-to-heart!” Whoops.
2. The picnic table outside Caples. Sound travels up, guys. Unless you were intending for us high-floor Caples residents to overhear every word of your lengthy tale about Will, The Guy From Your Birthright Trip Who Seemed Really Into You but was then Weirdly Distant, you should probably pick a new place to process. Don’t get me wrong, we hear you and we sympathize with you, but do you really want us to?
3. The tire swing outside Mather. Come on, man. Everybody out here just wants to chill and stare up at the stars and eat Fritos and maybe play some out-of-tune acoustic guitar in a little bit (and by “everybody”, I mean “those two first-year dudes who still hang out there.”) Don’t ruin it with yelling and crocodile tears.
4. Anywhere in Peirce before 10:00 a.m. I think I speak for everyone in this club when I say- No. Shhh. We are barely awake right now and our heads hurt and our coffee’s getting cold and let’s talk about it after your 9:40, when you’ve calmed down a bit and aren’t screaming across a nearly-empty New Side and we’ve actually managed to pry our eyes open and are more capable of pretending to listen.
5. The Gund Commons ballroom. Don’t forget that from the outside, the ballroom is basically a giant terrarium. If you get in a giant fight with your roommate at one of those little tables, complete with head-shaking and furious body language, there’s nothing to stop people outside from looking in, laughing, agreeing “Wow, they’re totally pissed at each other” and improv-ing their own lines to your moment of pathos. Also, every sound is amplified times a million in there, so unless you want all your table-neighbors to raise their eyebrows and silently bond over hating you, maybe take it to that weird deserted parking lot outside.