The other night, while I was toiling away in Olin, I came across an article about the zombie apocalypse. Of course, being a reasonable and level-headed person, I applied everything that I read to what has been going on around me at Kenyon recently. I could hardly believe my eyes as I read of “stumbling, half-dazed looking beings with a hunger for human flesh.” I definitely saw some of those walking back from the Cove last night. In addition to all that evidence, the fact that zombies have been trendy recently and tomorrow we begin the month of pumpkins and Halloween, I think it’s relevant to note the “Five Signs That A Kenyon Zombie Apocalypse is Imminent.”
- The Kenyon Krud – By now, we’ve all experienced the Krud, or at least heard of it (in which case, bravo, you healthy bastard). Like a zombie virus, the Kenyon Krud is inescapable and widespread. Thankfully, a combination of Emergen-C, Flintstones Gummies and Kleenex can provide a temporary cure. Symptoms include coughing and hacking that makes the other students in your small seminar class uncomfortable and blindly stumbling into your 9:40 class at 10:15.
- Crime — This can be seen in the laptop thefts on South Campus and the ID checks as you walk into the KAC. It just so happens that step two of a zombie apocalypse is the breakdown of civilization and a change in the way we view life as we know it. Between having to actually lock our doors sometimes and being unable to let our laptops just chill in the library for hours at a time, it’s pretty clear that for the moment life is changing for college students in quiet little Gambier.
- The Church Bells — I know I’m only about the five billionth person to mention this, but clearly the phantom of the opera organ/elephant/robot sounds emanating from the Kenyon chapel this past week were a sign of the end of days. After all, the basement is rumored to be an entrance to hell.
- The Walking Dead — Pretty self-explanatory. If the ballroom in Gund Commons is any indication, there are those among us who don’t sleep.
- The Quarantine Rooms — If the mysterious empty rooms in McBride and Mather indicate anything besides the likely reality that they have no special purpose, then Kenyon appears to have taken some precautionary measures in anticipation of a zombie apocalypse and set aside spaces for quarantine. Order, peace and general health may hold out. Unless of course, you live in McBride or Mather. As for what you use those rooms for in the meantime … well, that’s your own business.