Sure, on move-in day it’s all nervous giggles and hallway flirtations and carefully selected “casual cool” outfits (that somehow always seem to end up consisting of jean shorts and a striped top, regardless of gender, weather or occasion), but it’s October now and I think it’s safe to say we’ve all settled in and settled down for the year. However, some of us may have settled too much; here’s a handy guide to let you know if you’re currently resting a little bit too easy in your dorm, apartment or house.
1) You have no regard whatsoever for your personal appearance.
I started the year off adhering to social codes: i.e., “wearing pants in the Caples elevator” — but for the past few weeks I’ve pretty much been treating my building like a Victorian-era women’s sanatorium. These days, I’m most frequently found staggering downstairs to the laundry room in my bathrobe at 3:00 p.m., coughing hoarsely into a fistful of toilet paper. You’re welcome, friends and neighbors.
2) You’re not monitoring the volume of your conversations.
Dorm and apartment walls are real thin, guys. If you’re sitting down with your housemate to launch into a five-hour dissection of your other housemate’s most intimate personal flaws, emotional insecurities stemming from childhood and ensuing psychological inability to maintain a functional adult relationship, it might be prudent to whisper. Or at least wait for said housemate to go to Peirce or something.
3) You’re not monitoring the content of your conversations.
I don’t really need to know that you’ve been “having pretty intense vomiting and diarrhea all morning, but it seems to be clearing up now — still a little gassy, though!”, Girl in My Hallway Talking Loudly on Cellphone. But thanks for sharing.
4) You’re not bothering to hide your “Shared” iTunes library anymore.
There was a time when I would have carefully curated any list of music I released out into the Kenyon-verse, but that time has passed. Whatever, North-dwelling iTunes users. Get your fill of my “Pump-Up Biking Jamz!”, “Emotional Girl Rock :`(” and “Oh My God Do Your Fucking Homework You Dummy” playlists, if you’re so inclined. I don’t even care anymore.
5) You’re taking all of your roommate’s stuff all of the time.
If your roommate is regularly returning home to find you in her bed, swaddled in her Snuggie and reclining on her husband pillow while stuffing her Cheetos in your mouth and watching her Friday Night Lights Season 1 DVDs on her laptop, you could probably stand to be a little more uncomfortable with your living situation. God knows, your poor roommate is.