Photo “art” by Leslie Martin ’14.

A wise guru once tweeted: “The two most awkward things about Kenyon are Sunday mornings and the spacing of the steps outside Ascension…”

Amen. There are few things that are more uncomfortable than watching someone try to hobble down the notorious Ascension steps without limping like a peg-legged pirate who’s attempting to learn how to jerk. It’s time we all learned how to walk out of our intensive French and Econ courses in style! We’re not gonna let some steps step all over us! Here are Five Ways to Conquer the Ascension Steps:

1. Skipadeedoodah – While the average stair ranges from being 8 to 10 inches long, the massive ones outside of Ascension measure in at about 2.5 feet each! No wonder you have to take that extra shuffle-step just to make it to the next stair! Instead of being awkward about it, why not embrace the shuffle with a full-on skip? Not only will you blaze down the stairs in record time, but you’ll also give people the impression that you’re just super happy today.
2. Get A Running Start – If skipping isn’t your thing (which I find very hard to believe), try running! With a longer stride and increased speed compared to walking, you’ll find yourself only needing one step per stair. Just make sure you don’t plow into anybody mid-sprint, Speedy Gonzales.
3. Walk Like A Nazi – I discovered this after a particularly arduous German Cinema class in which we had to stomach the notorious Nazi propaganda film Triumph of the Will. While you should never, ever try to copy things the Nazis did, the SS’ method of marching by fully extending a straight leg on every step proves to be especially useful when it comes to descending the stairs.
4. Hit The Rails, Bro – You didn’t install those sweet new pegs on your bike just to give your numerous ladyfriends free rides, did you? That’s what I thought. If you can manage to pedal really hard, bunny hop, and grind the black rail all the way to the end without seriously hurting yourself or anybody else, you’re not only the dopest person ever — you’re also probably sponsored by numerous shoe and energy drink companies on account of you being a Professional BMX Rider. Gnarly!
5. Cop Out – First, hold out your arm that’s closest to the stairs and gracefully extend your middle finger. Then, keeping your arm in this position, walk down the grassy path next to the stairs while looking straight ahead. Finally, when you reach the bottom, face the stairs and shout “I DON’T NEED YOU! I DON’T NEED ANY OF YOU! YOU DON’T OWN ME! I’M A HUMAN BEING!” Brush the dirt off your shoulders, along with any horrified looks you get from your peers. You don’t need them. You don’t need anybody, dammit! Except maybe a good psychiatrist on account of your recent episodes during which you yell at inanimate objects…