If you’re like me, and you have an insatiable sweet tooth that sometimes leads to the theft and consumption of birthday cakes left on the floor of Hanna Hall (okay, that’s probably just me), then at some point you’ve experienced the soul-crushing sorrow of discovering that Peirce’s dessert options are just not up to par. Don’t get me wrong, Peirce cooks up some gems in the sweets department (Trizza, anyone?), but some days are just, well, disappointing.
- Bundt cake. To be fair, bundt cake is almost exactly the same as any other kind of cake. But it’s that shape – somewhere in between a weird-looking donut and a deflated inner tube – that seems to be a deal breaker for many Kenyon students. Also, the name “bundt cake” sounds like “butt cake.” Haha. Butt cake.
- Overly lemony lemon squares. Lemon squares are actually one of my favorite desserts, so I am always disappointed when I take a bite and find myself puckering up like a skater dude in an early-aughts AirHeads commercial (It’s dessert to the extreme, man!).
- Fruit cobbler. Cobbler always seems to show up at the dessert station just when you thought your day couldn’t get any worse. Also, for those of you who stick to your principles and only call something a “cobbler” when it actually looks like a cobbler, by cobbler I mean those giant vats of gelatinized fruit. For the record, Peirce’s cobblers don’t actually taste bad, but really, fruit for dessert?
- Hard cookies. How many times have you heard someone say something like, “I love it when cookies are soft and gooey and melt in my mouth”? Okay, how many times have you heard someone say, “I love it when cookies are cold and hard and chip my teeth a little bit when I try to bite into them”? Yeah. I thought so.
- Those weird new granola bars. I’ve been apprehensive about these since I first noticed them at the beginning of the school year. One day, faced with no other viable dessert options, I decided to give them a try. Eating one is kind of like eating a co-op farmer from Vermont. A chocolatey co-op farmer from Vermont.
Well, that’s just about all the dessert I can handle for the time being.
One final note: To whoever’s cake that was, I am really, really sorry. I hope you had a nice birthday.