You on Parents’ Weekend.

This coming weekend is a time to share your life at Kenyon with your loving parents. Take them on a tour of campus, walk them to the football field, show them that you spend just enough time in the library to be considered “studious.”  Parents love that kind of thing. It makes them proud. You know what parents don’t like to see? Hickeys.  You know what pretty much no one likes to see? Hickeys. So for all of our sakes (but mostly your own), please follow these quick and easy tips to cover yourself up before your mom sees.

Step 1: Use cover-up to hide your hickey. (For men: borrow a female friend’s cover-up to hide your hickey).  Green concealer is recommended because it negates red skin tones. Next, apply foundation on and around the area. Now it’s like it never happened! (Ed. Remember you need concealer and powder!)

More tips after the jump!

Step 2: Cover made-up hickey with scarf.  If you don’t have one of your own, The Weather Vane of Gambier has a nice selection. Call 740-233-4779 or walk there, you lazy jerk (it’s right behind the Campus Safety Office).

Alternate option: Not a scarf person? Try an ascot or turtleneck. This will go far in terms of convincing your parents that you are a fancy, intellectual grown-up. Or maybe they’ll think you spend your weekends solving mysteries with Scooby and The Gang. Whatever works!

Step 3: Show your parent around Kenyon with the confidence of someone who doesn’t have anything to hide! You do you!

Note: Don’t over-share! Even if your parents notice the hickey, don’t freak out or you will just draw more unwanted attention. Try to have a phrase in mind so you can casually change the subject. (Ed. Just say you were attacked by a feral cat.) 

Ex: “So, Dad, has the dog pooped in your shoes again recently?” If your family is anything like mine, your dad will be so busy ranting about “that time that Snickers pooped in his shoes” that no one will remember that your hickey even existed in the first place.

(*This is a dramatization. What are hickeys? Hey, parents.)