It’s that time of year when the resolutions you made to yourself about your room (It’s going to be clean, minimalist, and hip! Think New York studio apartment a la Bushnell.) have slowly faded away, leaving you with the reality that is week-old open bags of chips scattered on the floor and socks wedged in every crevice of the furniture. And if having to stare at it every evening in your nightly stupors of self-loathing isn’t enough reminder that you’ve failed yourself, there are some unwanted guests who will let you know as well. Fruit flies start slowly and end up engulfing your entire room in the time it takes you to shower, leaving you throwing tantrums on a Sunday afternoon in nothing but a towel.
But have no fear! Pull yourself together and get yourself to Walmart. Read on after the jump to find out how to get rid of a fly infestation in three days or less.
Step 1. Spend approximately twenty minutes looking in the “Juice” section for Apple Cider Vinegar and then, while hopelessly walking away, bump right into it in the “Vinegar” section.
Step 2. Get a funnel. Thank the LORD they only come in packs of two or more, because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a situation and thought “Man, if only I had one small and one large funnel. THAT would get me out of this scrape.”
Step 3. Go to every logical aisle that you think this would be in and be disappointed every single time. Eventually, find yourself in the hunting and game section, and ask the nice lady at the gun desk where you can find fly paper (bear in mind that in this scenario you are a five-foot-one creature struggling to hold a giant bag of candy corn). It’s in the detergent aisle. Naturally.
Step 4. Set your items up like so! It’s awkward and gross and pungent but nothing beats the satisfaction of watching lesser creatures DIE.
Step 5. Wait! In a day or two they’ll all be stuck or at the bottom of a jar, never to disrupt your precious space again.
Thanks to Meredith Bentsen ’15 for this Theta tip!