Around this time last year, I came home to my luxurious Norton double to find my mother, fresh off a six-hour plane ride, vacuuming and lecturing my surprised roommate on the perils of dust. After the carpet and all other surfaces were gleaming, she moved on to our fridge, which, much to her horror, held only half empty Diet Coke cans and hummus. If you want to avoid deeply disappointing your mother this Parents’ Weekend with your lack of hygiene and culinary tastes, then I recommend escorting them on an immediate and long trip to Columbus. After the jump is a list of a few spots that will distract your parents and make them forget about last year’s dust debacle!
Easton Town Center: Now, I love Walmart as much as the next person and I cherish its flexible hours and diverse clientele, but sometimes I crave the wide variety and elevator music that only a shopping mall can quench. Your parents want to provide for you, feel needed, and buy you that cashmere sweater that will keep you warm in the winter. Start making a list of things you need (want…) now and your parents will think that you are organized and on top of it.
Dragonfly Neo-V Cuisine: I did it guys. I did the unthinkable. Through many months of research and extensive food tasting, I have found a high-end vegan restaurant in Columbus. This is the perfect setting for you to sit your parents down and while eating a meal made up entirely of kale, tell them your plans to drop out of Kenyon indefinitely and buy a plot of land to make your own subsistent farm. Don’t worry Mom and Dad, I really have thought all of this through and the zesty vegetables I’m growing are better than any degree.
Short North: Your parents will without a doubt enjoy the urban charms of the artsy short north. Whenever my parents express any amount of concern that I am not getting enough civilization here in Gambier, I remind them that just an hour away sits the ultimate cultured experience, which I frequently visit. Throw around some convoluted words from your Art History Survey as you walk through museums and they will think that the Short North is where you spend most of your days, soaking in the art like a sponge.
Jeni’s Ice Cream: If I know anything about parents it is that they enjoy the sweet delight of gourmet ice cream. Well, I don’t actually know that, but I hope if I say it enough, it will be true. Even if your parents don’t regularly love the simple joy of creamy ice cream melting in their mouths, they will love Jeni’s. Anyone who can resist the joys of Jeni’s is clearly not human. So if your parents aren’t relishing every bite then they are clearly robots sent from another planet to destroy you and you should run away as fast as possible.