Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife, hide yo’ beer.

All week, we’ve been posting about the necessary steps to take in preparation for Parents’ Weekend, from booking dinner reservations to planning day trips to artfully concealing hickeys. That was all well and good, but today is Thursday, and your anxiety levels should now be approaching DEFCON-1. The first stream of parents is currently en route to Gambier, and the time is nigh to start hiding all the stuff you don’t want them to see.

Don’t let the misguided notion that you and your folks are “peers” now that you’re in college trick you into feeling overly relaxed. No matter how cool they are, dear old Mom and Dad don’t want to walk into your dorm room and be greeted by the half-empty bottle of Kamchatka you forgot to put away after Reading Days, the fridge you’ve stocked with nothing but cheese sticks and Duncan Hines cake frosting or the “Gonorrhea and You: Dealing With Venereal Disease” pamphlet you surreptitiously swiped from the Health Center.

You’ve got until roughly 0800 hours tomorrow to prepare your room for the parental invasion:  stash any and all bottles, hide or consume your junk food, proudly display your most challenging-looking textbooks and for the love of God, soldier, make your bed.