Pictured: Me

As a man with a long history of avoiding pretty much anything that involves physical exercise, I wasn’t that surprised when my doctor wrote the words “YOU NEED TO WORK OUT GODDAMMIT” on my latest prescription. Or at least that’s what I think he wrote. The handwriting was very sloppy.

So, after much internal debate and copious amounts of pacing in the shower (which is a lot harder than it looks), I decided to go to the KAC and get my swoll on. I mean, how hard could it  be?

Needless to say, I looked like a total doiner. Don’t be a doiner. Use these five tips instead:

1. Bring your K-Card – Believe it or not, you need to prove that you go here in order to use the weight room! As someone who didn’t believe it, I thought it’d be a great idea to not bring my card, and instead, looked very suspicious as I tried to tip-toe past the KAC Attendant like the creeper in that one episode of Scooby Doo. I was asked to leave on the spot.

2. Use the buddy system – Chances are you have quite a few friends who are quite adept at the whole “being athletic” thing. Instead of trying to wade in the murky waters of weight-lifting all by your lonesome self, why not tag along with somebody who knows the routine? Not only will you get a slick tutorial from somebody who can put up with your shenanigans, but you’ll also look insanely cool rolling up with a posse. (Unless your posse is two dudes in clown makeup.)

3. Look in the Mirror – Not to be shaken by my first failed attempt to workout, I decided to come back with my roommate and a notepad. After observing and taking notes on people pumping iron for a few minutes, I realized a pattern: people who lift free-weights are always staring at themselves in the mirror. After asking a fellow pumper what all the hubbub was about, I was told that looking in the mirror helps you work on your form. After taking a fat pair of 10s and trying it out for myself, however, I spaced out for 15 minutes while looking at my reflection. But since I had weights in my hands and looked really focused, people actually thought I knew how to work out!

4. Abs – If you’re not a fan of the whole concept of “lifting,” try lying on a yoga mat and doing crunches. You’ll get sweaty, feel a slight burning in your abdominals and, most importantly, look like you actually know what you’re doing. And if you don’t, at least you’ll be out of the way of people who do. Plus, it’s a great excuse to lie down and pant!

5. Run! – If you’re too self-conscious to lift, afraid of deadly mat germs and can’t find a buddy to guide you, don’t count yourself out! That’s precisely why the treadmill was invented! Not only are treadmills a great way to get your heart going, they’re also practically foolproof! Just hop on, put in your earbuds, push the button that says “START,” and run! As long as you don’t get too cocky, you’ll look like a seasoned pro in no time.