10 o’clock list: Facebook Hack Categories

I see you there.

I feel like most of us have a sixth sense about hacking. Whether or not you’re truly friends with your hacked Facebook friend, you know when someone is being hacked. Let’s say you and your friend Bob are sitting in Olin; he’s reading Shakespeare, and you’re taking a break and doing some healthy Facebooking. All of a sudden, your news feed starts to blowup with Bob’s statuses. Twenty minutes and twenty statuses later, Bob is still reading, and you’re still Facebooking. Hacked statuses tend to involve poop because when we can be anonymous through Bob, why not let our immaturity shine? But, here are some Facebook hack categories that do not involve poop, so that the next time you’re hacking, you have some inspiration:

Note: all of the examples used in this list are taken from real Facebook profiles of real Kenyon students, with the permission of the users.

  1. Inspirational: I never know how to emotionally respond to these. And, yes, I do sometimes (sometimes!) get goose bumps over dumb pseudo-inspirational Facebook statuses, even when they’re hacks. Example: “Sometime you should pat yourself on the back sometimes and say, ‘Hey — you’re doing a good job’ or ‘Felicitations.’” When I’m sitting in Olin on a Sunday night, and I see this, it makes me sappy. Even though I’m aware that the hack is probably mocking me from the cyber-world for feeling validated.
  2. Life is the best: It’s a little sad that every time someone posts a life-is-too-good-to-be-true status, it’s because they’ve been hacked. Example: “Life is a tender chicken fiesta.” But why can’t life really be a tender chicken fiesta?
  3. Over-sharing: You’re never quite sure if these ones are true, but you kind of hope that they’re not. Examples: “I only shower with other people” or “Who’s hard?” I don’t want to hear about it, especially on your Facebook. There are certain things that you’ve just gotta keep inside, buddy. Inside.
  4. Philosophical: When you’re trolling Facebook in the wee hours of the night and you stumble on one of these, it can turn your five-minute break into a twenty-minute break while you sit there and ponder the answer to these weighty questions. Example: “We might carry books and supplies around in our backpacks but what else do we carry around in them? I’m thinking about this on a metaphorical level, friends. I invite you all to think with me. Forever. Together. Backpacks. Let’s unpack our backpacks. Together.” Just think on it.
  5. Uncategorizable: I don’t know what to do with this information: “Pigeons are the way of the future even though it is an ancient tradition to fly them with messages places.” It doesn’t make sense, but I really want it to.

9 responses

    • But it’s not…it’s typing on a computer that someone turned away from for a moment. How is that remotely similar to “hacking?”

      • I don’t think it is either, I just wrote that because I thought it was inevitable that someone would bring it up.

  1. You kids and your Facebooks. Journey back in time with me to the wild west of the early 90s, when ALLSTUs were actual e-mails, and local Kenyon e-mail was 99.9% of the internet. And you had to log yourself out of the VAX mainframe manually. And there was no such thing as a filter, so everyone on campus saw every single ALLSTU. And did close critical readings of them, as was the fashion at the time.

    Oh, the shenanigans we’d get up to when we found someone had forgotten to log off. Epic stuff. People’s lives were ruined. It was a simpler time.

    Speaking of early 90s ALLSTUs, if anyone has seen a green fuzzy Gap pullover in the last twenty years, I am STILL looking for it, as per my previous ALLSTU on the subject. I think I had it around the Aclands circa Sept. 1993. I really need it because it had my keys in the pocket.

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