10 o’clock list: Top Five Cheapest Tasers (and Other Defenses)

For the most part, life on the Hill is safe and idyllic. Nonetheless, there are definitely some moments when you wish you had some form of self-defense against that raccoon lurking outside of Smather in the early morning or any other creepy thing/shadow you might run into. But who really wants to use physical violence (or electricity) against an innocent creature? I personally would rather use something natural like spices or music to ease my possible attacker’s negative disposition. So in tonight’s list we present the more affordable and perhaps the less brutal tasers available on the market.

  1. The Terminator: It’s pink. It has a flashlight. And it has 7,800,000 volts. Did I mention that it costs less that $10.00? Even if you never use it (and I hope you never have t0), it’s just a really cool looking accessory. That is until you tase yourself, which is likely to happen. So really it costs $10.00 plus your medical expenses. (Ed.: Why has this not been made illegal under federal law???)
  2. Orange and Lemon Peels: As legend has it, cats hate the scent of citrus. So if your enemy #1 is a feral cat, just start scattering orange and lemon peels on your path. The cats might leave you alone, and people will most certainly think you’re a citrus freak, but you won’t get scurvy.
  3. Essential Oils: Lavender, citrus (see above), peppermint, and eucalyptus are generally recognized as having the ability to repel insects and make you smell super great! But how effective would smelling wonderful be in repelling unsavory characters? Instead of rubbing essential oils on your body, try rolling around in garbage or your smelly gym clothes. I have a feeling it will be more potent in warding off unwanted advances
  4. Glitter: You saw what that glitter bomb did to Mitt Romney (maybe it was just confetti). Think about it: how much would it hurt to get glitter in your eyes? A lot. And it could be really uncomfortable to have it stuck in your lungs. So start carrying around some glitter in your pocket: it’s effective and you can have an impromptu parade anytime.
  5. Insults: I’m a strong believer in the teachings of Dissing Your Dog. If used correctly, mockery and verbel abuse can solve a lot of problems. 

11 responses

    • I know some people have called me a “harsh lover”, but this week with kenyonkupid.wordpress.com I can find some Platonic Friends who will appreciate me for me. You know?

  1. THE “TERMINATOR” TASER IS CLEARLY INTENDED TO RESEMBLE A PHALYS, JUST LIKE 7/9THS OF THE REST OF SOCIETY’S OBJECTS. I’M SICK OF THE THRILL PANDERING TO THE CHAUVINIST MAJORITY! IS IT A COINCIDENCE THAT THE AVERAGE MALE EJACULATION CONTAINS 7,800,000 SPERM AND THIS TASER HAS 7,800,000 WATTS??? I THINK NOT!

  2. Unless Kenyon has been overrun by a herd of rampaging elephants (I haven’t been outside recently; is this the case?) I think 7,800,000 volts might be overdoing it by a touch – especially considering that the electric chair typically operates between 2000-2300 volts. The last thing a campus with a healthy drinking culture needs is an influx of weapons that allegedly have the power of reducing whatever is unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end to a pile of fine ash.

    • Upon further research, I have discovered that tasers and electric chairs use different types of electric currents. I therefore retract my previous disparaging comment. Proceed to zap undesirables to your hearts’ content, Kenyon ladies.

Share your thoughts on this post.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: