It’s November in Gambier, and your friends at the Thrill have scoured the campus of Kenyon College for QT’s, all for your viewing pleasure. New on the scene this year is the fresh-barked, red-leafed maple planted by the newly matriculated class of 2016. He may be a bit scrawny, a bit scraggly, and a tad barren, but this guy has charm. You know, in a Charlie-Brown-Christmas-tree-I-want-to-adopt-and-nourish-you-kind-of-way.
Name: Red Leaf Maple
Hometown: Lowes Garden Nursery
Lifespan: 80-100 years
Major: Undecided—English and History, with a double minor in Classics and Creative Writing? (Ed.: That’s way too much, kiddo.)
Relationship Status: Single, immobile
What’s your spirit animal? Why?
I’m a tree, not a bush.
What’s been your favorite class at Kenyon? Why?
Pastoral and Anti-Pastoral.
What’s your favorite Book?
I’d say Dubliners. Reminds me of my past… [Looks off to another tree in the distance] Ah…. Trees… Dublin… Ireland… Joyce.
Describe your typical Friday night.
I like to get de-planted and re-planted. If you catch my drift…
Describe your ideal girl.
A kindred spirit. Or Emma Watson.
If you could plan the perfect date in Gambier, what would it be?
Sunset Point (for the sunset, obviously), followed by stargazing at the observatory.
What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for a girl?
[Silence, awkward rustle]
If your life was made into a movie, who would be the lead actor. Why?
Jim Carey. He’s a very lanky fellow. Meryl Streep, if Jim isn’t available.
What would be your theme song?
Definitely something from a Dr. Seuss movie. [Quietly] Let it grow… Let it grow… You can’t reap what you don’t sow… Plant a seed inside the earth… Just one way to know it’s worth…
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Reaching my projected height.
What’s your favorite meal at Peirce?
Quesadillas. But when they throw those beans in… I get gassy.
New side or old side?
New side. With the indie kids and the pseudo-intellectuals.
What’s your favorite genre of music?
Beyoncé, but folksy. Blue-grass Sasha Fierce?
What’s the number one thing on your Kenyon bucket list?
A hug from S. Georgia Nugent. Or be a spot on the list.