A few days ago, the residents of Buddhist House sent around an all-campus email seeking to fill a vacancy in their themed-housing Acland. Today, an interested applicant sent us this letter to pass on to them. We think we’ve stumbled upon your dream roommate, gentlemen — no need to thank us.
Dear Residents of Buddhist House,
I’d like to apply for the spare room advertised in the “Calling All Men Interested in Living in the Buddhist House” email you sent out last week.
I believe I’m a perfect fit for Buddhist House, despite the fact that I am a heavy-drinking, diehard atheist smoker who is also deathly allergic to “chill vibes” and prone to blinding fits of violent rage.
I’m seeking new accommodations due to issues with my prior living situation in Fight Club-themed housing — regrettably, it turned out that my unquenchable bloodlust tested the boundaries even of a house specifically devoted to savagery.
I’m not supposed to tell you where I was living (first rule of Fight Club Themed Housing – don’t talk about Fight Club Themed Housing), but I’m willing to take the risk — I believe the bond of Zen transcends all.
I think the “two 30-minute Zen-style meditations per week” you mentioned in your email would really help me control my wrath issue. I’m particularly interested in kicking a persistent arson habit, and I can’t imagine a better place to not set devastating, fury-induced fires than the calming, open space of the Buddhist House Acland. I hope living with you will soothe my soul to the point where Satan no longer compels me to seek his righteous vengeance upon the pitiful Earth.
I do have one question, and I’m anticipating it might cause a bit of a hiccup in my application process, but I’m confident we can work it out. How literally do you take the “men-only” policy?
You see, although I am currently representing myself as a man to the U.S. government for tax reasons, I am a woman. A violent, rage-filled, Devil-worshiping arsonist woman.
When do I move in?
Your Future Roomie