10 o’clock list: Top Professors for Your Zombie Team

Just be careful not to pick a professor that has already been turned.

Let’s be honest, you’ve thought about and probably even made some charts. Which professors would you want by your side when the inevitable zombie apocalypse occurs? It might seem obvious. The strong, fast ones, with years of training to win life. But we are at a liberal arts college, not the Olympic Village.  Now, I don’t know every great zombie killer/professor at Kenyon. So if you know any professors who didn’t make the list, post it in the comments!

  1. Joan L. Slonczewski, Biology: Professor Slonczewski writes science fiction novels and is a microbiologist. Her area of speciality is “biology and space travel.” If she can’t come up with a cure for the Z disease, maybe she can find a way to get off this damn planet. 
  2.  Glenn McNair, History: Just a badass. “Prior to entering graduate school he had been employed as a police officer and special agent with the United States Treasury Department.” You’d be stupid not to want Professor McNair on your team.
  3. David Suggs, Anthropology: This bearded professor knows how to ice fish. Survival skills, people! If you run for Canada, you will be set.
  4. Natalia Olshanskaya, Russian: Professor Olshanskaya lived in the Ukraine before the fall of communism. If she can  survive the Soviet Union, she can definitely handle some zombies.
  5. James Keller, Chemistry: Professor Keller can brew beer. Need I say more?

Warning: Do not ask H. Abbie Erler. Don’t get me wrong, she is a great professor. But in Liberal Democracy today, Professor Erler proved she knows NOTHING about zombies, werewolves, or vampires.

16 responses

  1. Tim Shutt. Not only does he lead students through Hell and back every year (literarily), but he knows a lot about Sparta and warfare, and would be pretty helpful in terms of culture rebuilding. Also, he’s an excellent storyteller (which is key when you need to keep your sanity every night around the campfire).

  2. Ummm Julie Brodie of the dance department, she also has a black belt in karate, and really all the professors of the dance department would be necessary zombie team members

  3. I know he’s no longer a professor at Kenyon, but Nightingale of the philosophy department would be a great choice. Because I’m pretty sure he literally hunts werewolves for sport.

  4. Why isn’t Fred Baumann on this list? His brains will keep us alive (pun somewhat intended. But seriously, he’s got the intellect necessary to get the job done.

  5. Pretty sure Olshanskaya wouldn’t hesitate to shoot them if one of your party got zombie blood in their eye. Inflicting pain for your own good is her M.O.

  6. When civilization collapses, you want an expert on early humans… Bruce Hardy. He can make fire, knap flint into simple tools, forage for food, and most importantly he made a ballista (for science)! Speaking of which, Paula Turner actually built the ballista and, on another occasion, a catapult… she’s got to be the head of the Kenyon Defense Forces Corps of Engineers.

    • Actually, Bruce Hardy built the ballista with a student; but Paula Turner enthusiastically figured out some of the speed information! =D Paula Turner was, however, the creator of the trebuchet that Jeff Bowman’s class fired off a few years ago.

  7. Don’t be so sure, Herp-Derp, it says special agent with Treasury on his Kenyon page. Also, if nobody knows what a special agent within the Treasury department means, it means the Secret Service. Seriously.

  8. Sergei Lobanov-Rostovsky once tracked down his passport in the middle of the night in Dublin after being pickpocketed. Dude has some tricks up his sleeve.

  9. Professor Sarah J. Heidt–Lady knows her 19th century lit, the Victorians were all up in the occult, I’m sure she has some tricks up her sleeve. She’s on sabbatical, but it’s a technicality.

    Tacci Smith–Let’s be real, she runs Kenyon.

    The entire registrar–ADD/DROP ENDS AT 4:30 ON FRIDAY AND THESE ZOMBIES CAN’T GET ANY BRAINS UNTIL THEY GET THEIR FORM SIGNED BY THEIR ADVISOR.

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