How To: Look More Sick Than You Actually Are

It’s Kenyon Krud round two (or three or four. Or if you’re like me, it’s round omnipresent) and as we reach the final days of the semester, we also reach the final number of fucks that I give about it. I just want to curl up in my bed watching The Mindy Project while complaining loudly about my sinuses, not write a paper for my QR. Whether you need to convince a professor that you really were too sick to go to their 8:40 class today, or if you’re just an attention-seeking whiner, read on after the jump for some tips and tricks for looking more sick than you actually are.

  1. Heavy, heavy pale eye concealer. Nothing screams “malnourished” like “my skin is falling off my face.”  Take a big ole’ spoonful of concealer and slather it on until your eyes are the just right amount of beady and terrifying. 
  2. Remember that shawl you knitted/thrifted that you thought was going to be really hip and trendy but you ended up looking like you were going to a Renaissance fair? Whip it out. Wrap it around you. Tightly. Now look at the ground and hobble. “Accidentally” bump into your professor. “Hello, Honest Student, feeling any better?” “…Whaa?…so….cold.” 
  3. Carry around tissues and a large bottle of water. Constantly talk about staying hydrated and the consistency of your mucus.
  4. Put on a fresh coat of mascara and then sneeze. This happens to me on a regular basis, dooming me with raccoon eyes for the rest of the day. But in this instance, your eyes are just sooo watery and your life just suuuuch a mess that you can’t even keep on top of your appearance.
  5. Walk around with wet hair. Always. It shows that you rolled into the shower and then rolled out into a coat. Plus, if you don’t have a cold before walking out into 30 degree weather with a mop on your head, you will in a few hours.

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