Ask Philander Chase

Not much of a babe.

As Kenyon College is a notably paranormal institution, we at The Thrill thought that it was time that we get back to our roots and ask our esteemed creator for advice on the pressing issues of being a modern student. Through the miracles of modern technology, we have contacted Philander from the far beyond. Here’s what he had to say in response to our important questions…

 

Dear Philander Chase,

I think my man has been cheating on me with some first-year tramp in McBride! I don’t know what to do. Whenever we sleep together he seems so bored and uninterested. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Girl In Love With A Jerk

Philander did not seem particularly pleased to be awoken from his eternal slumber with this first question. He did, however, give us an answer.

Girl,

First of all, I am confused about your status at Kenyon College. Are you a student at this institution? If so, I worry about the College’s future. Women are delightful creatures, helpful and necessary. However, their education is unneeded past a certain point. Why a woman would feel the need to attend a collegiate institution, especially one as renowned and religious as Kenyon, is beyond my comprehension!*

Furthermore, if you were a woman of good moral standing—as I would hope you would be—you would not let a man into your bed before you have accepted each other in holy matrimony. Perhaps it was your lack of thought in allowing copulation between the two of you that drove him into another, more pure, woman’s arms. My only advice for you is to return to your home, become learnéd in the duties of a woman in the home, and to find God, for He holds all of the answers.**

Think on your sins,

Bishop Philander Chase

The Bishop does not seem particularly fond of liberated women.

Onto our next question for the Bishop:

Yo, Philander!

Me and my homies were droppin’ some acid this weekend. But my room got totally messed up! How am I supposed to clean up in time for my mom to pick me up before break?

–Timothy Leary Jr.

Philander seemed to have a much easier time answering this one.

Dear Timothy,

Though I cannot condone your use of Kenyon chemistry equipment outside of the classroom, your enthusiasm for your studies must be lauded! If more students took the initiative to learn outside of the classroom, I believe that I would have returned to see this country in a much more prosperous era. Anyhow, to answer your question on acid removal, from my colleagues I have learned that the best way to handle an acidic spill is to immediately neutralize it with some manner of basic liquid. I am sure that if you were able to acquire acid from our facilities, a base would not be difficult to obtain, either. After that it should be safe to handle and your mother may enter your room without need of caution.

Best of luck,

Bishop Philander Chase

Obviously Philander has a lot to learn about modern college students.

Before our connection to the beyond was severed, we were able to ask one final question.

Philander Chase,

Kenyon is expensive and times are tough. How am I supposed to pay for college along with food, clothes and all of my other expenses?

From,

Broke Kid

Though we were not able to get his full answer, here is what Philander said in response:

To Broken Child,

When times are unfavorable to you, it is then that you must count upon the courtesy of your dear friends. If you would like, I could point out some affluent acquaintances of my own circle that may be able help fund your education in this time of fiscal crisis. Lady Rosse, for example, has been known to fund many a young man with her womanly wiles—

It was at this point that the metaphysical connection between us and Philander gave out or the internet went out and we were unable to hear the last of his probably steamy encounter with the namesake of Rosse Hall. Have any more questions for Philander? Leave them in the comments!

*The views of Philander Chase on this issue do not necessarily reflect the views of the Thrill and its staff.

**Ditto

5 responses

  1. You’d think a man who was so against premarital sex wouldn’t be so comfortable with premarital sex for money.

    Philander Chase you whoring hypocrite.

  2. I ain’t afraid of no ghost. Especially not a “whoring hypocrite” ghost. Seriously, though — this was pretty amusing

  3. Pingback: 10 o’clock list: Where to Eat When Thomas is Closed « The Thrill

  4. Pingback: Ask Philander Chase… Again | The Thrill

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