This ten o’clock list is brought to you by the one, the only, Maureen Hoff ’15.
You know what gets really boring? Sex. Ha, that was a joke. I’ve always said that even when sex is not as good as it could be, it’s still sex. (ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT.) But here are some spicy moves in the style of the buildings they are named after. We’re not going into detail here because who do you think I am, Cosmo? No. I’m giving you a general outline. You take it from there.
- The Horn: “A lot of noise with no substance.” – Swivel your hips in a disengaged way. Avoid eye contact to show you’re aloof and to ensure that you and your naked buddy achieve maximum pleasure. Play music in the background and sing along as if you know the words. You don’t need to actually need to know who the band is. (Trust me. No one else does.) Your partner will think you’re a hottie anyway. You’ll derive a lot more pleasure from this move if inebriated. That way you won’t feel weird about trying so hard to look cool. It will just come naturally, you flower child, you.
- The KAC: “Sweaty, confidence boosting, and takes so much effort, it can only happen once a year.” – Quick bursts of physical exertion with a lot of water breaks make this move a hit amongst … a very small group of people. It’s probably not going to be very fun at the time, but you’re going to feel really good about yourself when it’s over. I can’t give you much more than that. Just go REALLY FAST and get it over with so you don’t pass out before you’re done.
- The Crozier – This move is defined by the three hours of foreplay that are necessary to make sure that all participants are enthusiastically consenting. Actual sex isn’t even necessary for this move to succeed. Just repeat over and over again things like, “Are you okay?” and “Does this feel good?” and “May I kiss you again?” (THIS IS IN NO WAY MEANT TO UNDERMINE SEXUAL MISCONDUCT. ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT IS NECESSARY IN ALL SITUATIONS. Multiple residents of Crozier also blessed this move, SO EVERYTHING IS OKAY.)
- The Peirce – Despite the extremely large, phallic tower extending from Peirce, this move is not going to meet expectations. Go in with excitement and enthusiasm, but slowly fizzle out. No one can reach climax. Full satisfaction is not the goal. This move is basically because you want to have sex but just don’t have the time for the fancy footwork and feeling of completion that other moves require. If you feel sick afterwards, know you’re not dying. It’s just a weird side effect that happens sometimes.
- The Gund Commons – It’s okay to cry. This move actually requires it. It shows your passion and dedication to your lover. Don’t play music unless you’re wearing headphones because it’s distracting to your partner and some people have trouble staying focused with music playing. Make really slow, concentrated movements. It’s going to feel like you are accomplishing nothing, but when you emerge into the sunlight in the wee hours of morning, you are going to realize that it was the best sex that you have ever had. And you’re going to end up doing it again. And again…
%*~@~* Bonus Sex Move *~@~*%
If you walk up to the third floor of Peirce, you’ll notice that there are some weird-ass stained glass (see the rhyme I made there?) windows along the staircase. And they all sound like sex positions. So if the above are too average for you and your daredevil sexy pal, kick it up a notch with this bonus move that will have your partner saying, “Why are you doing that?”
The Pioneer Missionary – This is basically regular Missionary. But this move becomes super sexy with the twist we’ve added. Person on top must hold one hand to their forehead as if looking in the distance for something. He’s got it! And you can too! At climax it’s best to yell something like “Land Ho!” This sounds boring, but oh, boy, you would be surprised at how sexy sex can be with a simple addition of a “Land Ho!”