Luckily, Kenyon isn’t NYU.

In this newly minted feature, we take you down into the nitty gritty annals of Kenyon College’s very own Allstu! For your convenience, we have condensed and edited the Craigslist/classifieds/news briefs/Nugent lit/language-table spam into an easy to read format.*

WANNA MAKE $50? Well, yes I WOULD LOVE TO (kudos for all-caps, very effective). What’s that? I need a car? That’s unfortunate. If you or a loved one has a car available, please contact Cecilia Depman, “awesome driver.”

Excel help ~~ I WILL PAY YOU: Not directed towards me.

New Terrible Literary Zine: This one’s a bit cryptic. It’s new, it’s terrible, it’s a… Literary Zine? What does this mean? Someone wants my spectacularly awful poetry? Finally, a home for poetic gems of past and present.

MISSING WALLET PLZ HELP: Who doesn’t love an abbreviation in the face of crisis? Contact Lauren Toole.

“Grandpa Hassan” Meets His Maker, Georgian Prosecutor’s Office Reveals Gay Honey Trap [sic]: Something is not right. Is that wingdings?

Don’t Go to the KAC: Love, Spencer Kaye. The Thrill self-promotes. Shocking, I know!

Lost Water Bottle !! Now this is just tragic !!

Missing blue cardigan. Guys, we’ve got to unify. In the name of blue cardigans.

Not straight? Not sure? No. Yes? Maybe? Oh god. Currently questioning my own sexuality. From the Queer Women’s Collective.

Calling Male Vocalists: Singing men are always in high demand. But, since I’m neither of the masculine species or the musical persuasion, this is also not directed at me.

poop

johnny flynn!

CANCELED: No Johnny Flynn at the Horn tomorrow

if you are the person who took the deer skull from outside of NCA 5B: Kenyon’s Most Wanted. But seriously, don’t come between a senior and his/her comps. Cruel and unusual punishment, not cool. Sidebar: intimidating lack of capitalization.

Unsubscribe: Nice try, but sorry, you can’t unsubscribe from allstu.

*This is real life, people. If you see something, say something.