As my esteemed colleague, Dr. Kate Lindsay MD, pointed out last night, we’ve been a bummer lately. To be fair, though, so has everything in the universe, mostly because of this ugly January we’ve had: after two fleeting days of warmth, it’s cold again and everyone’s mad about it. [We’re basically just a weather blog now.] As you cough and complain over the next few days, remember: summer can be as bad as winter, in its own way. If you’re a raging pessimist like me, this outlook may actually cheer you up: as the great Liz Lemon sayeth, sometimes everything is just the worst, Kenneth. And maybe that’s okay.
1. Shorts. Remember those last sun-soaked afternoons of spring semester, when you would sidle up to your professor after class to talk about the final, trying to radiate poise and intellectual curiosity while yanking a small, sweaty strip of denim out from around your genital area? Good times.
2. Parents All Up on Your D. Don’t undervalue the sweet freedom that a college weekend brings. Once you’re home, your mom will be pausing her episode of “True Crime Special – Murder-Times Unlimited!” to watch you slink out at 9 p.m., gasping, “You’re going to get coffee? Now? The girl on this show was brutally killed on her way to get coffee. Can’t you just stay home?” I can’t speak for those of you with laid-back parents, but in my experience, it’s hard to enjoy those hazy summer nights when there’s someone sitting at home frantically drafting your Amber Alert.
3. Catch-Up Phone Calls. Chances are, all your best friends are within 50 feet of you right now. During the summer, you can’t just breeze into Peirce and catch up on everybody’s shit at once; you’re going to have to pick up the phone, make a bajillion calls and maintain a base level of enthusiasm for each one, lest you be accused of “not even caring what Sam said to me at the beach last night.”
4. Internships. Now’s the time to daydream about the learning experiences and long lunches and office romances that a summer internship can bring. Things might look a little different in July, though, when you’re eating peanut butter in the break room every day because you’re not getting paid and people won’t stop asking you to fix the copier and your business-casual attire keeps sliding around because it’s so goddamn hot in this goddamn office, goddamnit.
5. Shark attacks. You know what you’re not likely to encounter in the middle of a gnarly Ohio winter? A shark. A hungry shark who devours you whole while the lifeguards are changing shifts and all your friends are downshore buying Sno-Cones and there’s nobody around to hear you scream. Not that I’ve ever had recurring night terrors about this exact scenario, or anything. Count your wintry blessings where you can, Kenyon.