10 o’clock List: 5 Cheap Beers and the People Who Drink Them

Tuburnt

Worst. Research. Ever.

Cheap beer is a primary staple of college life. But if you think that every brand of light beer is alike, you’ve got another think coming! It’s about time you learned about your pounders and what your choice in pounders says about you. So, here are 5 cheap beers and the people who drink them:

1. Pabst’s Blue Ribbon – $10.99 – 4.74% ABV

In recent years, PBR has gained popularity for being the “hipster’s beer of choice.” While we don’t know why the nonagenarian bebop jazzhound population has suddenly taken a liking to the stuff, it’s clear that PBR is one of the cheapest beers on the market. Plus, with a relatively high ABV, slightly creamy taste from its corn derivative, and an ego-boosting blue ribbon printed onto every can, every time you crack one open, it feels like you won the greased pig contest ol’ county fair all over again!

Who drinks it? 90+ year-old jazz aficionados with low self-esteem

2. Bud Light – $12.99 – 4.2% ABV

Bud Light, the cheaper, watered-down version of its big brother Budweiser, is the “cool dad” of light beers. When it was first introduced in 1982, all of his playground friends would call him “Buddy” while he schooled them on the handball court. In college, he decided to drop the –dy since it looked way cooler on his ultimate Frisbee jersey. Fast-forward to today, the now 31-year-old beer still goes by his name from the glory years. It’s time to grow up, Bud.

Who drinks it? Middle-aged men having an identity crisis

3. Coors Light – $12.99 – 4.2% ABV

What separates this beer from the rest of the pack? Its “cold activated” can of course! Every Coors Light can is equipped with state-of-the-art technology that changes the color of the mountains on the label from white to blue every time the beer’s temperature goes below 39˚ F. That way, if you’ve lost all feeling in your hands after being stranded in the Arctic Tundra for three months, you’ll still know that your Coors is nice and chilly through some convenient visual cues. Neat!

Who drinks it? Anybody with frostbitten hands

4. Natural Light – $12.99 – 4.2% ABV

Sure, you’ll find empty boxes of “Natty Light” littered across every college campus. It’s the quintessential pale and tasteless shitty college beer. But what if I told you that Natty isn’t meant for drinking purposes? I mean, have you seen the highly reflective can? How about the Google Image search for “Natural Light?”  As you can see, half of the results are Natty cans while the other half consists of photos taken in… NATURAL LIGHT! Forget buying one of those expensive light reflectors that the professional photographers use. Next time you’re out on the field trying to take a perfect pic, a strategically placed stack of Natural Lights will bounce all the light you need for that classy Instagram snap!

Who drinks it? Photographers who refuse to shoot indoors

5. Keystone Light – $11.99* – 4.17% ABV

Keystone Light is always smooth– just like Keith Stone, the brand’s aptly named spokesperson who looks a little too much like Jack Black. It seems that Keystone’s advertising budget was too small to accommodate the talent of America’s favorite Tenacious D front man, and instead, settled with a very convincing lookalike to take on the role– the same way that you settled with a box of Keystone Light because you only had $12 and reeeally didn’t want to get PBR.

Who drinks it? Anybody who isn’t Jack Black

4 responses

  1. Pingback: 10 o’clock List: 5 Worst People at Parties « The Thrill

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