As midterms and spring break approach, students may find them distracted what is really important in a collegiate education: finding a hook-up someone to have a long-lasting, committed relationship with. But fear not, Kenyon! For we at the Thrill have used our iTunes-creeping skills to come up with a sure-fire way to find your soulmate. All with the bonus of not having to change out of your sweatpants and no small talk! All it really takes to find your soul mate is a few hours in Olin, a laptop and the ability to flip through peoples’ shared iTunes libraries with little to no regret. It’s so easy to find true love–just look after the jump to find out how!
Step #1: A General Look/Checking Them Out
You don’t want to waste your precious Netflix time looking through libraries that you know aren’t going to be matches. So start with a preliminary screening of the library. Look at what the library is named. Is it someone courageous enough to use their actual name for the library? If it’s a fake name, is it at least something clever? Do a preliminary search through the library. How many songs do they have? Just three audiobooks and a Backstreet Boys album? They’re probably the flighty type that only uses Spotify. Not worth your time. Do they have enough music that they’re bound to be arrested by the FBI? Better just leave that one before you get taken down with them.
Step #2: Finding Similarities/Small Talk
Search through some of their music. Maybe try to find some choice favorites of yours. Do they share your enthusiasm for The Childish Gambino or The Shins?
If so, make sure they have enough to strike up a conversation, but not so much that they make you look foolish in comparison. There’s nothing worse than finding someone with similar interests, but who also scoffs at you for not knowing ‘Your Favorite Band’s Secret-Pseudonym-Album’s Fourth Bonus Track Twice Removed’.
Check out their Kenyon-related music. Is it limited to Anna Sun? Or do they have every Kokes track ever released. Lords and Ladies pride, y’all! Look at how many Beatles songs they have. Are they only from Across the Universe? Is that really what you want in a significant other? Even more importantly, check to see the amount of songs from Glee they have in their library, and whether or not they own the song that they are covering. Protip: If they have the Gangam Style cover, run, don’t walk, away from your laptop.
Step #3: Figuring Out How Weird They Are/Commitment
Now that you’ve found someone who you’re really connecting with on a major level (get it? a music joke!), it’s time to seriously stalk. Go through their library and try to diagnose every aspect of their personality. Look for telltale signs of mental instability such as:
While doing your thorough check, make sure to assess how obscure/pretentious their music is and correlate that to how obscure/pretentious your own is. At this point, I suggest finding someone well-versed in statistics to help you, if you are serious about this individual. Though the Thrill cannot offer an easy match percentage like OKCupid can, that doesn’t mean that you can’t quantify love on your own!
Make sure to check if you can stand most of their music. Remember, if this person truly is your soulmate, you’ll probably spend a lot of time in their dorm room getting wasted, so you want to make sure that the soundtrack is good.
Protip: Don’t forget to look at their choices of TV shows and movies! Even if it’s not true love, it’s good to know that they own things that you’re too lazy to find illegally online.
Step #4: Realizing That Your Taste is Just So Much Better
We all go through it. We expect to creep on people’s iTunes libraries and realize that everyone has plebeian tastes compared to our own. ‘What?’ we find ourselves thinking, ‘They don’t have The Magnetic Fields? Ugh. So much Britney. I could just vomit.’ It’s a purely natural thing. Because, honestly, your taste is so much better than everyone else’s. So just pop on your headphones, exit out of the ninth library named after a John Green character and enjoy the sweet sounds of your own iTunes (as you continue to not get laid).