Morgasms: Sex Hands

xoxo smcs

Your sex-advice guru hard at work, courtesy of Billy Braff ’13

Last week, we asked you for questions to answer in this column. Today, the question I will be addressing:

“so many people walk around peirce w unwashed sex hands. have you ever thought about that before?”

During a game of quarters last year, a friend of mine had the sudden realization that he possessed these so-called “unwashed sex hands.” He apologized profusely, and all was forgiven. American currency is known to be reliably filthy, germ-ridden, and covered with cocaine, so unwashed sex hands were not really going to change anyone’s mind about sharing a drinking glass.

Peirce, however, is a different story. Peirce has a health code, you guys. Peirce has sneeze guards. I don’t understand the sneeze guards, since you have to kinda duck under it anyway to reach anything that’s placed far away from you, but whatever. Imagine someone was doing that with unwashed sex hands? Oh my god, now I’m just thinking about terrible situations involving Peirce and unwashed sex hands.

Between you and the stack of plastic cups, there is only one other person. This student accidentally grabs two cups, pulls them apart, and sets one back on the rack. You grab this recently freed cup. The student in front of you has unwashed sex hands. 

“Can I steal a fry?” asks someone sitting at your table. You’re friends, so you oblige. Except now your entire plate of french fries has been contaminated by unwashed sex hands!!

This guy in the Fusion line is so nice, there are no more plates stacked under the food so he’s going over to bring some more himself! Except oh my god unwashed sex hands NOWHERE IS SAFE!!!

Okay, so let’s be real for a second here. We’re all covered with icky germs, all the time. If someone were to go straight from hooking up to then touching things in Peirce, it would not be the worst thing to happen in Peirce that day. But please, for everyone’s peace of mind, wash your hands after doing sex things!!!

Remember to send all of your sexual questions, hopes, and dreams to thekenyonthrill@gmail.com and SMCS will work her hardest to get them answered for you.

Previously: Sexting and Snapchat.

12 responses

  1. What about the fruit bins in Peirce? How many times are you seen people touch every apple in the basket in order to find the “perfect” one?

  2. 1. THIS IS NOT A REAL SEX QUESTION. THIS IS JUST A HORRIFYING OBSERVATION.
    2. WHY DID YOU POINT THIS OUT TO ME? I WAS PERFECTLY HAPPY LIVING MY LIFE WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT PEOPLES GRUBBY SEX HANDS. NOW I CANNOT UNTHINK THIS. YOU JERKS.

  3. Ask me anything you want! I just realized this one addresses a legit problem that needs to STOP HAPPENING (wash your haaaands pleeeeease)

  4. Pingback: A Lady in the Street But A Creek in the Bed… Take Two | The Thrill

  5. Pingback: Blog Off: Falzon v. Quigley | The Thrill

  6. Pingback: Lady in the Street But a Creek in the Bed: Numero Trois | The Thrill

Share your thoughts on this post.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s