Fabio knows what’s up.

You may think it’s a sure sign of the dead of winter when you can spot the Nuge by her purple Uggs — but don’t fear! Spring is on its way, and you won’t want to miss out on what’s hip-hop happenin’ on the Hill. Here’s a list of ideas to cure your cabin fever…

1)    Big Pimpin’: Barbie-Car Edition. What could possibly be more fun than ridin’ dirty to your 9:10 in this little pink sex-wagon? Legs, bikes, Segways—too much work with too little swag. After class, just roll right into the Caples elevator and back to the penthouse. Come on Kenyon, life in plastic, it’s fantastic!

2)    Use Seasonal Pick-up Lines. Easter is rapidly approaching, so boys, don’t fail to seize the opportunity to be super-smooth with a line like, “Hey girl, my name’s Peter Cottontail, can I hop down your bunny trail?” Just be sure to avoid clunkers like, “How ‘bout you put your candy in my Easter basket?” or “Something has risen and it’s not just Jesus.”

3)    Follow an Admissions Tour Monty Python Style. That’s right. Whip out those coconuts (no, not those coconuts, get your damn pants on) and get yo gallop on. Bitches goin’ to Camelot.

4)    Recover Your Newsfeed from the Greek Invasion. All I have to say is, imma pop a Kappa in somebody’s Alpha if I see one more #sisterzforlife, #epsilongtimenosee, #deltazetadontbeahata, or #imgammaforsomeomegacuteboyz. 

5)    Get Yourself a Tree Stand. Grab your camera and get in touch with your stealthy side. Kenyon’s very own Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show kicks off in the wee hours after Shock Your Mom. “Models” will stagger down Middle Path at approximately 8:00am. Seating is limited. Early arrival suggested.