Tonight’s Thrill sex column comes to us courtesy of Maureen Hoff ’15, world-renowned sex guru and even-more-world-renowned Owl Creek Singer and oh-my-God-so-world-renowned brand-new Thrill writer. Welcome, Maureen! Launch right in and tell us all the sex stuff we’re doing wrong!

This is what you get when you Google “sexy owl.” Do not Google “sexy owl.”

Whoa. So, hey. You guys might remember that article I wrote about sex positions named after the places which they emulate in sensual style. However, having read your sex questions, I’ve decided that we went a little too fast too soon, ya know? Put the car in drive before we’d checked our rearview mirrors. So let’s pull back (or pull out as the case may be? Eh? No, I’m so sorry.) and get back to basics.

Answers to the sex questions that have been burning in your loins after the jump!

All of the following questions came from you, our loyal readers!

What about the stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms?

Everyone keeps asking this question and I get it, it’s a Girls reference, and who doesn’t love Girls… or girls!? But a lot of people keep asking this question sincerely. Chill out. The stuff inside of the condom isn’t going to come out of the top. You guys are weird. Obviously I’m the only one of us who taught a puberty class to middle schoolers LOL amiriTe?

Faking it: courteous or emasculating (or defeminizing, if that’s what you’re into)?

If you’re tired, fake it til’ you make it, you know? You dudes can have a mutually explosive experience another time. But if you’re done, sometimes you’re just fucking done, you know? But if you’re faking it because your partner is just being a total bummertron in bed instead of a bonertron, tell them. Communication is key. Ha, or write a weird passive aggressive note on the mirror when the bathroom is steamy, so it spooks them when get out of the shower. Hilarious. And being passive aggressive is super healthy for relationships too!

How can you tell the difference between someone giving you the sex eyes in Peirce or someone just looking at you? Really though. 

The next time someone is looking at you in Peirce and you can’t figure out if the gaze is sexy or friendly, slowly pull a condom out of your pocket and open it with your teeth, while sliding off your warmest pieces of clothing. If they’re DTF, they’ll respond positively. If they’re NDTF then you will only be a little chilly and have a condom wrapper in your mouth, which is like, so not even weird at all. We all know you’ve had way weirder things in your mouth whilst in Peirce.

Thanks for your über awesome questions. I hope you learned a lot.
And seriously, stop freaking out about the “up around the sides of the condom” thing. You won’t die. Totes promise.