The general bleakness and desperation of this week is symptomatic in Kenyon’s AllStu. As campus-wide exodus draws near, mass-messengers have turned to increasingly drastic measures to have their voices heard, find their lost coats and finagle rides to Port Columbus.
1. Animal-Related Misleading Subject Lines
LOST PUPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You had my attention at the eighth exclamation point. Cue up some Sarah McLachlan, I’ve got some posters to make! Send out the troops! Hold up. Your Northface? Not nearly as compelling, you liar, you.
Koalas You can’t fool me again, bud. Not this time. An earring shaped like a koala? How cute. You want me to dig through grass to find your earring? Maybe for a puppy.
2. Unreasonable Offers/Favors
do YOU want to be loved forever? Have you been on my match.com profile? Unconditional love, for the price of one set of lost keys, how refreshing.
I WILL GIVE YOU FREE HAIRCUTS FOR A YEAR. Nah, I’m completely content with Cost Cutters/Clippers.
3. Increasingly Desperate Pleas For Rides (least to most compelling)
airport ride wednesday afternoon
Ride to airport Friday 3/1?
airport ride–Friday 9 AM?
Airport Ride Wednesday at Noon? Pretty Please?
HELP! DESPERATE FOR AIRPORT RIDE TOMORROW AT NOON!
Call me Sherlock—I have a hunch some of these are from the same person! Look at that punctuation! The emphasis! The pathos!