So you wanted nothing more than to sleep off your St. Patty’s day hangover on an Ascension couch? Sorry to rain on your parade, but if you haven’t heard yet, the couches are gone. Before you round up the dog and pony show in protest, take a minute to think about the upside here. Some considerations:
- The Full Body Twitch. No, your seizure-like body spasm didn’t scare me at all. I’m just casually hovering over you waiting to do CPR because that’s how I make new friends.
- The Alarm Clock. Hey, everybody understands that you don’t want to miss class. However, if I hear goats screeching for the rest of the day because Taylor Swift’s “Trouble” went off in five-minute intervals for a half hour, you will, in fact, be lying on the cold hard ground.
- Because You’ve Never Been More Attractive. Because the first thing I think when I see someone sprawled out with their mouth wide open is “Aww damn! Lemme get at those tonsils.” Or, “Boy, the back of yo’ mouth is ridiculous.”
- Because You’ve Opened Yourself Up for Creeper Photos. It’s not my fault that you decided to fall asleep in a public space and then made weird faces. No worries, I got like a hundred likes on Instagram.
- Because You Don’t Know What Happened There. Oh yeah, you had a nice little nap drooling on the cushions face-down, ass-up. Little did you know your BFFs decided to scratch that same couch off their fucket list while they were gettin’ frisky last night. Ow-Ow!