Following the recent email kerfuffle, you’re all probably aware that there’s currently a campus-wide game of “Assassins” taking place right now. Armed with just a spoon and a human target, 220 students have begun a merciless “killing” spree. As a participant who enjoys being alive — both in the real and fake sense — this game has taken quite a toll on my psyche. Here’s what’s been going down:
1. Crippling Paranoia — As a person at a school with alums that go on to invent the Pill and produce straight-to-airplane films, you should know that you’re surrounded by geniuses. Crazy geniuses. Who want to kill you. It’s not about if you’ll die — but when. You’ll start to distrust your friends, roommates and significant others. You’ll lose sleep thinking about your next disguise. You might, in a panicked fight-or-flight sort of reflex, accidentally punch a guy who happened to be walking behind you for five seconds. Once again, reeeally sorry about that, Chris!
2. Extreme Weight Loss — Sitting in a small, crowded space like Peirce is a lot like being the Westboro Baptist Church at a gay pride parade — you’re practically asking for trouble. Getting cornered while you’re double-fisting your ginger-soy salad and a cup full of Powerade is a pretty bad feeling, and the only thing that can make it worse is knowing that it all could have been prevented if only you decided not to eat today. Over the course of two days, I’ve already lost a mean 8 pounds!
3. Terrible B.O. (and Possible Aluminum Poisoning) — The only thing worse than being killed with food is being killed in the nude! And since I’ve lost my only pair of jean cutoffs, showers are completely out of the question. Thankfully, that’s exactly why deodorant was invented. Reapplying antiperspirant every hour should keep you safe in terms of smelling bad, but if you find yourself experiencing sudden bouts of memory loss and/or impaired intellect, you might need to see a doctor.
4. People Think You’re a Criminal —
“I’m sorry, what was your excuse for trolling the freshman dorms while wearing a ski mask?”
“Assassins. I’m trying to make an assassination.”
“And just how much anti-antiperspirant deodorant have you used today?”
“I’d rather not answer that.”
5. You Secretly Want to be Murdered — Days and days of suffering from severe sleep deprivation, malnourishment, possible jail time and an increasingly irrational fear of spoons can really break a person.
After reassessing your life choices, you may start to ask yourself questions like: “Is this really worth all the pain?” “Can someone just take me out of my misery?” “How long has my breath smelled this horrible?”
Answers – No, yes, and about a month (which is kind of gross, because we haven’t even been playing for a week yet.) Needless to say, you’ll quickly find yourself yearning for a tap on the shoulder, thereby releasing you from days spent in anguish and pure agony. But resist that temptation and hold on, my sisters and brothers! Just imagine how great your prize will be when you’re the last (wo)man standing!
UPDATE: Apparently there is no prize. Fuck this shit.