Tonight’s Thrill sex column comes to us courtesy of Maureen Hoff ’15, world-renowned sex guru and even-more-world-renowned Owl Creek Singer. Remember to send all of your sexual questions, hopes, and dreams to firstname.lastname@example.org or in the comments below, and we will work our hardest to get them answered for you.
In this week’s round of questions, things are undoubtedly getting steamy.
Is it wrong to multitask during shower sex? I.e. Can I exfoliate and procreate?
This is strangely a recurring theme in emailed questions to the Thrill.
1. You probably shouldn’t EXFOLIATE and be sexy because exfoliants have things like silicic acid and benzoyl peroxide in them and then you get that on your hands and then your hands roam and then you’re making an awkward and painful trek to the health center.
2. Check the mood of the room. If you entered the shower with the intent of cleaning yourself and someone pops in because they want to touch you, you can wait to whip out the Herbal Essences after things have simmered down. Or, if you’re creative, you could incorporate them in a sexy way [Ed: I have no idea what that could even begin to mean]. But if you entered the shower solely for sexy purposes, save the deep-conditioning for later, when someone isn’t looking for you to deep condition them oh my god that was disgusting what am I saying.
I’m trying to take my relationship to the next level and send some sexts. How do I start this off?
You know, people are always saying that when you send something over your phone, or the internet, you need to be careful because it lasts forever and can ruin your life. But who cares, you know? I say go balls to the wall and start off the conversation with a suggestive selfie. Or if you have a “dumb” phone like mine that can’t send or receive pictures, ask them to describe what they look like naked – in graphic detail. And not just the sexy parts of their body: ask about the shape of their earlobes or the swoop of their philtrum. You need to show that you care about the nonsexy parts of them too, and that when they let you touch them with their clothes off, you’ll be thorough.
When you’re hooking up with someone and you’re using role-play, how do you establish roles?
Great question. God knows how awkward it is when you’re pretending to be a nurse only to have them think you’re the doctor. You don’t want them to start asking you questions that you’re not qualified to answer. You have to be really explicit in your sexy wording. You might kill the mood by storming in and saying that you’re only qualified to check their prostate and nothing more, you know? You’ve got to say things like, “Let’s check your chart while we wait for the doctor.” Oh, but they also might think that someone else is coming to join in on the sexy time and that might not be the case. You know what? Role play is really hard. Just pick something that’s hard to mistake for something else. Like an alien from Mars. That could be super hot.