In news that absolutely nobody but me cares about, as wide-eyed lil’ first years, Emma Specter and I submitted almost the exact same Thrill application. [Ed. — I care, Kate. Please go on. <3, Emma.] When we discovered this about a month ago, we decided to compare. Shockingly, it’s hard to determine which one is more naive and shameful, so we’re leaving that up to you! Take a look at the samples below (names omitted), and let us know in the comments which one you prefer/hate/think is the silliest/think is the sassiest/I don’t know live your life, you feel me?
You know the “small, close-knit community” we all cited on our Common App as the main reason we wanted to attend Kenyon? Well, at some point in our Kenyon careers, most of us will come to find that that same “small, close-knit community” can be a tad bit confining (i.e. “soul-crushingly awful”) when it comes to romantic entanglements (i.e. “avoiding that kid you drunkenly smashed faces with at Old Kenyon last weekend”). Don’t kid yourself- this school is the size of a postage stamp. You’re going to see them, you’re going to see them a lot, and you’re probably going to be awkward as all hell around them. Here, The Thrill presents the top 5 ways to deal with dodging an awkward hookup.
You’re walking down Middle Path and you spy that not-so-special someone headed your way. Don’t hesitate- pull out that iPhone! Don’t worry, you don’t look like a self-important douche canoe at all. For all he or she knows, you really do have an incredibly urgent text to send. It’s not your fault you’re so popular.
2. Sudden, Impassioned Conversation With A Friend.
“Hey, look at me like I’m saying something really interesting and important. I’m just going to keep talking, nod your head like you’re listening.These are words. I’m saying words. All of the words.” Stick to this script, add in some theatrical hand gestures, and from across Ransom Lawn, it’ll look like you really are just far too deep in conversation to acknowledge your hookup. (Side note- your friend may think you’re exhibiting early symptoms of a stroke. Make sure to explain yourself after).
3. Flat-Out Hiding.
Hey, there’s no shame in it. Ours is a campus known for its lush, beautiful fall foliage-why not take advantage of it by concealing your entire body behind a tree trunk? Pro tip- dressing in shades of orange, red and brown will help you blend in with the autumn leaves.
4. Changing Your Plans
Oh. Cool. He/she’s sitting right there. You didn’t really want to work in third-floor Olin, did you? You still have two whole hours until that ten-page paper is due. Don’t be a hero. Turn around and go nap in your dorm room.
5. Manning Up and Just Saying Hi
Come on, just do it. It won’t be so bad. You’ll burn with mutual shame for a couple of minutes, and before you know it you’ll be standing in line for omelets together, making desultory chitchat about how much work you have without even remembering why you were awkward around each other in the first place.
We’ve all been there. It’s Sunday morning and you’re walking through the servery, mind heavy with the work you just remembered you didn’t do and the stupor of last night’s decisions when, lo and behold, you see one of those decisions in front of you in the Comfort line. They’re picking out a pressed Cuban like it’s their last meal on death row and all you want are the potato wedges directly next to them. Do you stride confidently over, making polite chitchat and being generally adult and mature about your awkward situation? No!
1. How To Avoid Your DFMO (In Peirce):
Alternate stations like it’s your job. You probably haven’t checked out International in a while, and there’s nothing like the smell of what claims to be a gyro to sooth your nerves. Remember, they can’t stay in the servery forever, but YOU most certainly can.
2. In Olin:
Stay away from long tables, short tables, secluded carrels, computers, and comfy chairs. Also light, oxygen, and productivity. Ideally, wedge yourself on the floor into a corner in the dungeons of the first floor. Even if people see you, they won’t want to approach you anyways.
3. On Middle Path:
Find an alternate route. Quickly.
4. In Middle Ground:
Order to go and skip the sides. Linger by the counter while your DFMO eats a wrap nonchalantly with their friends, oblivious to your glances. Reread the menu, look at the specials, browse the CDs that are inexplicably always there and that I’m fairly confident nobody buys. Whatever you do, do not walk by the tables.
5. In Class:
Sit up and pay attention. Your parents pay good money for you to be here, you ungrateful degenerate.