Good morning! Here’s the news you may have missed:

The Lead Story: Newman Day leads to Mather resident’s first sexual experience.  Partner gives him mediocre review.

Everything Else:

S. Georgia Nugent will be moving into garage behind Cromwell next semester claiming that she is “finally ready to commit to Gambier.”

Girl who generally answers all the questions in your Intro Psych class did not do the reading.

Incoming first-years are already jaded and have taken to bashing Peirce on the 2017 Facebook page.  One student claims she is already “over Old Kenyon parties.”

Watson poised to become next Old Kenyon.  Leonard goes on being Leonard.

The Long Read: Apparently we can form an army.

The Weather: Sunny and 70.  Just kidding this is Ohio and it fucking hates you.