How many times has this happened to you: you’re in your room at around 12:30 a.m., thinking to yourself “Ugh, I wish everyone in this building could see how fly I look right now!” Fortunately, the fire alarm goes off and it’s off to the races. Fire drills are a great community builder on Kenyon’s campus, a time for us to come together and share funny stories as we wait patiently for Safety to let us back into the building. Except that they’re not. Fire drills are sneaky devils that sneakily sneak up on you and strike when you least expect (i.e. when you’re in the elevator, or pooping). As a fireman once told me, “always have an exit strategy.” But what if I’m telling someone, “It’s not me, it’s you,” and the fire alarm starts blaring when I’m mid-sentence? Here are some of the most awkward places to be when the fire alarm rings.
- The Shower: Worst case scenario: you’re naked and slippery and need to evacuate to a public place. Let’s hope you can get your robe on before anyone sees.
- Taking an Online Timed Quiz: Maybe your professor will understand, or maybe they’ll think you made the whole thing up.
- Having a Night Terror: “…What’s that alarm? WHAT’S THAT ALARM?!! APOCALYPSE NOW! CLOVERFIELD! THE PIANIST?! THE AIR RAID SIREN IS SOUNDING, EVERYONE RUN!” Being awoken from sleep can be disorienting when you don’t realize you’re dreaming at first. It might take you a few seconds, but hopefully you will awaken from your night screams before you find yourself running down the stairs with your roommate in a Fireman’s Carry.
- Having Sex: Talk about an awkward position. Nothing says “pull out” quite like the omnipresent buzzing of a fire alarm.
- Warming a Box of Pizza in the Oven: Hey genius, you put “40:00” on the timer instead of “4:00.” This is a mistake that anyone could make, but the whole building still probably hates you and wants to hunt you down. If anyone asks you where you got that flaming pizza box, just say it was delivery.
number 4 twice
wow how heteronormative with #4 not all sex happens with penis gawd
On the other hand, not all pulling out requires a penis…
how heteronormative to think that pulling out requires a penis
Once I was taking a nap when the fire alarm went off, and when I woke up my vision was blurred so my mom made me spend my Thanksgiving break going to specialists and having tests done. Turned out it was a migraine. True story.