Sunday evenings are a time of reflection, introspection and panic. As the memories we managed to retain from harrowing nights fade and blur, one thing remains: the Sharpie marks. The infamous Xs for us youngsters, and stamps for the elderly among us, defy the current of time, marking where we have been and our relative ages. Ever notice how the stain tends to migrate onto your face after a night of sleeping on your hand? It’s awesome. Right now, I detect traces of blue (?) from Friday night, red stamps from the rugby party that I wasn’t invited to and…is that purple? From last weekend?!

Excuse the non-sequitur, but I fondly remember a night at the Ganter, where the door-guy complemented me on the softness of my hands and then proceeded to scribble on them. Anyways.

Here is a fool-proof list of techniques to erase toxic pigments from your skin, once and for all.

1. The Traditional: Hot water and soap. Scrub scrub scrub. When your hands glow pink, but the marks remain, give up.
2. The Yogi: Wait patiently for the marks to fade. Shower if you want, wash your hands when you feel like it. Maybe dig around in the dirt. Let the ink run its course. Absorb the toxins fully into your body, and expel them with a juice cleanse.
3. Fight Toxic with Toxic: Scour the barren rooms of Horvitz Hall for paint thinner. Keep opening bottles until you smell it. Acquire a gas mask. Apply to hands. Scrub. Rinse rinse rinse. Avoid food and eye contact for a minimum of 24 hours.
4. The Artist: Use this as an opportunity to get those hand tattoos you always wanted. Or, for a less permanent option, add more Sharpie! Incorporate the geometric lines into a beautiful piece of body art.
5. The Extremist: Kill it with fire. Gently remove the top layer of skin with a blow torch.